One Woman Men

If you happen to come across The New Straits Times last Sunday (dated 7th August, 2005), you will notice a rather peculiar headline, alongside the picture of the winner of a certain reality TV show. It read: Survey shows Malaysian guys are overwhelmingly One Woman Men. (Article can be found at the bottom of the entry)

The first time I saw it I raised an eyebrow. It was a rather amusing headline because there are so many questions that you can derive from it.

The first question is of course, why is such a finding headline news? Primarily because it’s a surprising fact. Primarily because people didn’t expect Malaysian men to be the one-woman types. I bet most of you, seeing that initially, your first reaction would be, “Really?”. It seems that all men, even Malaysians, have been generally labeled as chauvinistic pigs, even by their own countrymen. I’m not saying it’s not true but it is bad PR, with regards to our Eastern background-heritage-agenda-persona-crescendo.

The second question you need to ask is, what is the article is trying to tell you? So Malaysian guys are one woman men. So? I’ll tell you what the message they’re trying to pass (or falsely project, as you might say) is. It is never mentioned in the whole article but I’m pretty sure they are trying to tell Malaysian women that Malaysian men are a loyal, fully-committed bunch. Are they? Are we? I beg to differ. Why do you think that the title says ‘One Woman Men’ rather than ‘One Wife Men’? Sure, most of them have one wife each but does that mean they’re entirely loyal? Does it mean that they don’t have a mistress somewhere? Does it mean that the business trip to Haadyai was purely sex-free? Does it mean that there is no chance in hell that the husband will divorce the current wife in two weeks and get a younger one instead? No. They can have mistresses, be promiscuous and marry his personal secretary 20 years his junior, and can still proudly announce, “I only have one wife”. The article only tells you that most Malaysian men have only one wife at a time. Period. It did not state any conclusions. The only conclusions are made by the readers themselves, limited only by the strength of their imagination.

The third question is, what exactly IS the article is saying, anyway? Nothing. So Malaysian men normally have one wife at a time. So what? Is that something new? Is that some sort of revelation? So what if Muslims are allowed to have 4 wives? Key word is ‘allowed’, not the number 4. Sure they are allowed to have 4 wives, but only if they can afford it. Spiritually, financially, sexually, morally, ethically, among others. If you can’t, why bother? If only sex you are looking for, well, Jln Bukit Bintang is all yours during the weekends at night. But if you want legal sex at the price of having to provide everything a proper wife needs, than by all means, go ahead. After all, we are guys. We only think about sex 23 hours a day.

Now let’s take a look at the so-called case studies mentioned in the article. The one-wife men: one is a 71 year-old man and the other has been married for 41 years. Vintage examples for modern day conundrums. You ask these people whether they want another wife is like asking a 70-year-old businessman to part away with his 1972 Silver Spur. Surely they’ll say no because it’s not worth the hassle. Ask a 26-year-old executive whether they like to exchange their 2004 Continental GT with the new McLaren SLR once in a while and I wouldn’t be surprised if they say yes.

The man with the three wives. The main reason he cited for marrying 3? “I have a strong sexual desire”. He married more to have more sex. And he can afford 3 wives. So why not? Unfortunately, not all men are as lucky as him. He managed to overcome the cultural differences and the financial restraint. Others? Well, we prefer to take the easier road.

So, in the end, what have we learned? We have learnt that regardless if we are Malaysian, Italian or Lithuanian, men will always be men. Men are pigs. Married to one wife does not mean we don’t desire other women. Try put a half-naked Angelina Jolie in his bed and you can only wish your husband would say no. Having one wife only means he does not possess the resources to obtain another or merely he does not want to go through the trouble. So, is this some sort of warning bell for current wives and wives-to-be? Well, I have one word for you: caveat.

The article...

Survey shows Malaysian guys are overwhelmingly...
ONE WOMAN MEN

The NST News Team
KUALA LUMPUR, Aug 6:

Most Malaysian men believe that one wife is enough. A comprehensive survey shows that despite being allowed four wives, fewer than one per cent of Muslim men have the full quota.

Five per cent of the 7,589 married Muslim men polled in a survey on behavioural habits that could lead to HIV infection have two wives while 4.3 per cent have three wives.
Nearly 90 per cent of Muslim men are one-woman men.
Under Islamic law, Muslim men are allowed to have up to four wives but they need permission from their existing spouses — recognised officially by Islamic authorities — before they can marry again.
The survey carried out last year by Universiti Putra Malaysia also showed that despite bigamy being outlawed in the country:

• Nearly four per cent of Chinese men had two wives and 1.3 per cent had three wives.
• Nearly three per cent of Indian men had two wives and nearly two per cent had three wives.

Also polled were 1,475 married Bumiputera men in East Malaysia. Taking a second wife seems to be common in Sarawak, where 15 per cent of Bumiputra men have two wives and nearly two per cent have three wives.
Less inclined to go for more wives were men in Sabah. Nearly 95 per cent of them had one wife.
Under the law, those guilty of bigamy can be fined and jailed up to seven years.
Some 13,000 Malaysians were polled in the survey

Just one will do for them
Nine out of 10 Malaysian men have one wife.
For many of them, there is little need to take a second, third or even fourth wife because of this simple philosophy: Why go searching for another partner when there is a soulmate at home? Many were also put off by cultural and financial reasons and the strict bigamy laws.
The New Sunday Times interviewed two men who have lived for decades with the same women by their sides. And yes, they are still very much in love.
Zainal Ibrahim has been married for 41 years to Norshidah Mohd Amin and, during that time, the thought of taking a second wife has not crossed his mind.
"You marry just once, that’s all. You don’t marry another for no reason. When you’re contented with one person, why should you take another?" asked the retired Special Branch senior officer. Though Islam allows a man to take up to four wives, Zainal said Norshidah had been a good wife for so long that he had no need for another.
To which Norshidah laughingly added: "I’ve always told him if he can take another, so can I."
Norshidah, 68, said it is important for a wife to know what makes her husband happy.
"If he likes socialising, then you should also get to know his friends and their families," she said.
Norshidah said a wife needed to always focus on the strong points of her husband and forget the weaker points, as she too must realise she is not perfect.
"Now women think they are equal. I don’t agree. You must always respect your husband and know your place," she said.
Zainal, 71, said: "For me, my job, my wife and my children were all-consuming. I did not have time to think of anything else, what more another marriage"

Santokh Singh Gill married Dr Balwant Kaur just after three dates.
Having just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary on June 8, he says that he cannot imagine life without her.
"I have lived for my family the last 30 years. My wife and my three children are everything to me," he said
Culture, language and religion are an important part of this couple’s life.
"When I go overseas and return home, she never fails to greet me at the door and touch my feet as a sign of respect," said Santokh.
"She still has retained her Punjabi ways and that means a lot to me."
When asked whether he would think of taking another wife if it were legally allowed, Santokh said: "No man can do justice to two marriages. It’s difficult to run two houses at one time."
Of course, in the course of 30 years, Santokh said there have been temptations but added that a person needs to know what to do when faced with them.
"For me, the thought of divorce is unimaginable," he said.
Dr Balwant said what keeps her marriage together is sheer trust and the fact that they tell each other everything.
"There must be no suspicions. You have to tell each other everything, even your past," she said.
The couple said that having a good sense of humour and being open with each other also keeps the relationship healthy.
"If I see a beautiful woman passing by, I will point her out to Santokh. I feel he is my husband and no one can take him from me.
"We women are equal but with a different sense of responsibilty. It’s the woman who keeps the house together." - By R. Sonia

No regrets three wives later
Datuk Mokhtar Abdul Samad belongs to the three-wife club. He is one of the four per cent of Muslim men in the country who have three wives.
After 22 years in a polygamous marriage, Mokhtar, now 58, has absolutely no regrets.
When he took a second and third wife, he met initial resistance from the first wife but eventually she came around to acceding to his request.
Today, however, they are all living normal lives.
Mokhtar admitted he took three wives because he had a strong sexual desire.
"I am only human and I have a strong sexual desire. Instead of committing sin, I might as well get married legally."
He said his views might cause a controversy as not many Malaysians were as forthright as he was in this matter.
The construction company owner said: "My wives are treated equally and they are given everything equally, right from the same number of children — three each — to the same type of bungalow furnished with the same type of furniture.
"They only get to choose the colour. The rest of the interior is the same."
He spends his nights equally with his wives.
"Since the houses are close by, I spend my nights on a rotation basis with my three wives. However, if one of them is sick I will stay longer in her house but other than that, I rotate every night."
Mokhtar added: "We only became rich recently, so I can say my wives did not marry me for my money. They married me because I am an honest person."
Seated comfortably in his first wife’s house in Kampung Malaysia Tambahan, Mokhtar recounted the time he decided to marry again.
"I was a taxi driver when I met my second wife (Datin Norasni Jaffaar) who was a passenger in my cab. We courted for a year with my first wife’s knowledge before getting married."
Soon after marrying Norasni, Mokhtar fell in love again and married a third time.
"This one was a former air stewardess. I met her on my trip to Singapore," said Mokhtar, pointing to Datin Zawiah Ismail.
Was it tough to break the news to his first wife about his intention to marry a second and, later, a third wife?
"Yes, it was. She was crying non-stop. But after meeting and getting to know Norasni, Latifah began to understand and allowed the marriage."
Norasni said: "Latifah and I met Zawiah before giving our consent."
Mokhtar, who has seven grandchildren, said his success was due to his wives.
"When I married Norasni, Latifah and I were living with our three children in a squatter house. It was only after my third marriage that my construction business began to flourish and thankfully we now live well," he said.
His wives feel their marriage to Mokhtar was fated but confessed they would have preferred a monogamous relationship.
"We adopt a positive attitude and try our best to get along with everyone. All our children are very close to one other and they don’t see each other as stepbrothers or stepsisters."
They performed their Haj together in Mecca in 2001.
"We live harmoniously because we feel that this is our fate and that fighting and sulking will only make things worse," said Zawiah.