Thursday, February 14, 2008

Uh-oh, It's Feb 14 Again

I got my first Happy Valentine’s Day wish at around 12.19am just now, somewhere around Seksyen 14, PJ, from non-other than Charlize herself. Shit, wait a minute. I gotta change this Charlize thing. I knew it wasn’t meant to last but it was the best I could think of at the time. Anyway, I watched Transformers again yesterday (what an awesome movie!) and Megan Fox was just, damn! She was practically sizzling! So, fuck it with Charlize. A new call sign – Megan.

On hindsight, I can no longer call her my personal SWA 07 but those abs, are just like, killer umph! Okay, I haven’t seen Megan’s abs (yet), but I’d like to think they’re not too far off from the real one’s. Those well-toned, sweaty after a good round of futsal…

Anyway, back to Seksyen 14, after wishing, okay, it wasn’t personally directed at me. There were like 3 other guys at the table and it was a general wish but she made an interesting point afterwards which I planned to include as well into this Valentine post of mine anyway. So, the thing is. I never thought I would actually live to see the day that a woman admittingly that, yes, valentine stuff (i.e. flowers and chocolates) tend to get ‘marked up’ during this period. Well, thank you, Ms Megan! But, that’s almost like a suicidal remark. It’s as if you’re saying, ‘yes, shit are expensive so you don’t have to buy me anything this Feb 14th,’ That’s like a guy saying football is just a game. We know it’s true but we don’t say it out loud. Because, shit, would you like to have other plans with the missus when MU take on Arsenal this weekend because it’s just a game? Hell no! That’s like bad karma.

But, back to the point, yes, these blood-sucking retailers are just taking advantage of this so-called ‘express your love’ day (I went up Cameron Highlands and roses are so easy t grow they’re like bushes).And because of that, Valentine’s is the most sexist excuse to celebrate a day, and I’m going to tell you why. Because in the middle of this overpricing hullabaloo, it is us guys who ended up picking up the check. What do the women do? Give a smile and nice fucking ‘thank you’ at the end of the evening. And we somehow got our minds warped around this obviously biased concept and thinking we actually got a good deal at the end of it all. A smile and a goodnight kiss? I’ll tell you what’s due by the end of the night – sex. Full, unadulterated, kinky sex, all… night… long... That is what is worth for the RM400 dinner, RM10 rose stalk and RM80 for that 12 pieces of Belgian dark chocolates. The bear came free with the chocolates.

But, in Malaysia, I doubt it is likely. Considering it’s in the middle of the week. ‘I got to go to bed early ‘coz I got a big meeting tomorrow morning’ bullshit. Oh, I almost forgot to mention about the fuel. Or the parking fee. Hotel parking can be very expensive. RM5 for the first hour.

However, I am targeting this to the unmarried couple where the case of guy trying to impress the girl scenario usually plays. Especially those teenagers at high school and college students. You are all such suckers. I know. I was one. For married couples, okay, keep the magic going, no harm done there. Chances are, you’ll be splitting the check. But for the rest of you, think very wisely men. Don’t let yourselves be played. If you really want to impress her, invite her over and make dinner youself. That always score high marks. But, of course, there’s the matter of you knowing how to cook first.

If your girl is one of those who makes a very big deal out of Valentine’s, don’t. It’s not worth it, kid. Do you now why Renee Zellweger broke up with Jim Carrey? You guessed it. Jim was apparently wasn’t fully committed to Valentine’s Day as she was and she was devastated by it. Please, those kinds of women aren’t just worth it. If she made that big a deal out of Valentine’s, imagine her birthday. A potential nightmare. Y’know, Kanye West and Jamie Foxx came up with a song about this. It’s called Gold Digger. Look it up.

I used to worship Valentine’s Day. It used to be the day when I could send gifts out of the blue without feeling awkward and gained absolute satisfaction from the recognition of the recipient. Looking back, I should have at least asked for a blow job. Valentine’s Day just doesn’t work here in Malaysia. Overseas, yeah, when the chances of getting laid tremendously increases. Unless, of course, it’s Hannah Tan. Then, a smile and a thank you are just about all you can ask for, and it’ll be enough.

Men, We’re the new women – Dylan McDermott

Friday, February 08, 2008

Local Movie Scene: Revisited

I saw Cuci about two weeks back. And it wasn’t that bad. That’s right, people, after a long hiatus, we return to the local movie scene discussion. Part 2.

The reason I was bothered enough to go to the cinema to watch local movies these days is to see Afdlin Shauki movies. It’s true. The last time I did something familiar was for Sumo-lah. And that was definitely worth my time. And that’s the thing. Afdlin Shauki movies nowadays are like Judd Apatow movies. You can expect a certain brand of humour which is refreshing and inventive, and certainly works. Not like the ones offered by Razak Mohaideen. Seriously, those people who say Jim Carrey is no longer funny apparently do not know Saiful Apek. Honestly, his jokes are getting cheaper by the movie and I really do wish he’d take a break from them because I just about have enough of him. 10 years sounds pretty good, don’t you think?

Anyway, back to Cuci. To know that it was the Afdlin gang who are fronting the movie, although it was Hans Isaac leading this time around, created an extra amount of excitement and intrigue to check out their latest work. Something Hollywood calls a movie buzz.

Demi Moore’s comeback in Chalie’s Angels: Full Throttle helped to promote the film. Demi Moore as a fourth Angel? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see that? And, sorry for saying this, but Heath Ledger’s death is going to do wonders for The Dark Knight. But this is only one type of buzz to create excitement for a movie yet to be released.

A prime example of taking the concept of movie buzz to a whole new level is Cloverfield. When they first release the trailer, it didn’t even have a title. Just a release date. Which initially became the call term for the movie – 1-18-08. Malaysian movies, on the other hand, make rubbish trailers!

Seriously, randomly picking 10 scenes out of that movie, mixing them up in a blender, intermittently listing the names of actors/actresses involved in it and then finally displaying the title at the end is not a trailer! That’s a fucking slideshow! Being moviemakers you might think they should probably know the importance of marketing a film and how a good trailer goes a long way in achieving that. Even Hong Kong love stories make better trailers than us these days.

A trailer is supposed to show the strength of a movie and an intriguing introduction to the storyline so that when someone had seen it, they go, ‘I’d like to see how that one turns out,’. And Cuci is no different. When I first saw the trailer, there were Hans, Afdlin, Awie and AC in yellow suits cleaning windows. Then there’s Erra. Then more of the guys in their yellow suits, and not in yellow suits and that’s pretty much it. No clue whatsoever on what the storyline is. How can you spread word of mouth if the people could not describe it? ‘Oh it’s a Hans Isaac film about window washers,’. And? And what? That’s like saying Lord of the Rings is a movie about this ring. Full stop. You think it would have been just as successful with that kind of promotion? Yes, I know Cuci is not doing that bad at the box-office but a good trailer would have made it a bigger sell-out.

Another aspect about local films that bothers me is the villains. Malaysian villains are bad. Not that cool kind of bad but downright bad. They are always the one with the terrible sense of fashion, cheesy one liners and complete lack of pride, faith and mercy. You can always tell who’s the bad guy the moment he/she steps onto the screen. Take Khir Rahman’s Wira for example. Who in their right minds wear a dark suit over a purple shirt? The hairstyle is trashy and the sunglasses just make him look even sillier. And he’s the all time kaki bodek. There is nothing to like about him.

Then we look at Hannibal Lecter. Sure he’s a psychopath who kills, cooks and serve his victims to his guests at his dinner parties. And yet, he listens to classical, reads a ton of books, well spoken and has a vocabulary someone can only dream of. Oh, and it’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter to you.

You see, as evil as they are, they are kind of cool. Terrifyingly cool in the matter of Dr. Lecter. And although you might not agree with the motives behind his evil deeds, you do sort of understand them. Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator was overlooked for the throne by his own father and he was his only son. Sure he was a whiny little boy but if it were you, wouldn’t you be a little bit pissed off by that? Villains, as much the heroes, needs layers of character to make them more believable and memorable. And there’s still a long way to go for us in that sense.

And our product placing is embarrassing to say the least. Somehow, the word ‘subtle’ has been swollen by the word ‘money’ nowadays. Tony Fernandes is one of the producers of Cuci and what he did was to put a whole fuckin’ plane in one of the scenes! It made the placing of a Ford Focus in Casino Royale look like peanuts. Why only put phones in movies when you can have the whole HQ building be the main focus of the characters? I know corporate sponsors are essential but seriously, at times, it was like watching a commercial. As if an actual footage from The Truman Show. C’mon people, follow Pixar’s motto: It is always about the story.

Before I end my rant for today, one final thing about the trailer issue. If you think you can make good trailers and create a viable business idea for the local movie scene, you could might as well be the next media mogul and a wealthy one at that.

And with that bombshell it’s time to say adios and well do this again some other time in the future. Cheers.

Thursday Night Futsal

Petrol: RM10

Field rental fee: RM9.20

To see ‘Charlize’ playing futsal in shorts: Priceless

Weekends can be bitchy. But never Thursday night futsal.

There’s futsal. And then, there’s futsal with the girls. Two very different things although masked as something quite similar. The former involves all your usual. Plenty of pace and excitement. The latter has those plus nicer legs and perfumes. Okay, maybe not much with pace but definitely much more exciting. And everything seems a lot more…bouncy.
But, jokes aside, there are some decent female futsal players out there. Even the hot ones. I saw one perform a sidefoot pass volley. And the pass reached its intended target. It was a split-second move but I was sold. It was quite a deft touch. And then there’s this other chica, who definitely loves futsal by insisting on doing juggling practice all by herself while she was off the field, has incredible positional sense. Yes, she practically hangs around the D but she does get half-decent chances and, by God, does she packs a shot. As for Charlize, well, her body orientation when striking a ball is slightly flawed but, honestly, who the fuck cares? All I wanted to do was to shout, ‘Run, (Charlize’s real name), run! Run like the wind!’

There is such a thing as a football God.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

It's Time We Get Rolling

Immerse yourself. That is the only way one can write properly.

Good day, people. How are we doing today?

As I said before (though I can’t remember when), writing is as much artistic as taking a picture. You need some sense of tranquility to produce results. Not as much in the physical surroundings but within your inner-self. And that is something that has escaped me for the past month or so. My schedule has been brutal. And not in a way that it was filled with joyous and fun activities. Every fun and wonderful things that I have done during that period has always been on borrowed time. Time which I needed to pay for the nest day or so in torture. And you know how I can’t say ‘no’ to a brilliant plan. However, that is all in the past now. For now, at least.

Now, as I sit here, on the dawn of a Thursday, welcoming CNY, I have once again, found peace. And it’s about bloody time too, if you ask me. Then again, it’s not so surprising considering I spent the night before playing board games with Charlize Theron. And, obviously, I don’t mean the actual Ms Theron herself.

It is one of the things I meant to talk about since the beginning of the year. And I can’t begin ranting for the rest of 2008 without putting this out and clear first. So here it is. It seems virtually no harm is done when I do the occasional taunt at women in general. But the probability of getting myself screwed (and not in a good way) increases once I divulge into specifics i.e. using names. And not just the taunting and sarcasm. Sometimes even the honest intention of using over-flattering comments is seen as an invitation to trouble. You know how the world works. Jealousy and all. Even more troublesome when it borders on obsession.

Anyway, in view of this, I have decided to follow one of the cardinal rules of blogging – using nicknames. And chances are, you wouldn’t know who the nicknames I refer to apart from myself. Although I do have to mention that Pidot’s haircut looks so much like Javier Bardem’s character in No Country For Old Men that I have decided to call him ‘Javier’ since last night. He doesn’t know why I call him that but it always put a smile on my face every time I do it. Since Pidot is unlikely to be likened by Woody Harrelson to the bubonic plague and that irony makes it so much funnier.

Back to Charlize, you see, coming up with nicknames is quite tricky. Obviously, you can’t use nicknames that he or she is recognized with in real life. It has to be fresh, unheard of but at the same time relevant. Quite a mind boggle since I’m not Nate Wright.

Charlize Theron isn’t probably the best suited nickname I can come up with but it’s the one I got right now. Considering the actual her isn’t hardly South African or 6 ft something. I doubt she even reaches 5 ft. But she does has a certain persona about her and everyone loves her for it. Including me.

And so it became to be, I spent the good part of last night playing Taboo, but not just with Charlize. I mean, Javier was there too. So was Tobey Maguire and Ms Muffet (If these two ever find out the nicknames I pick out for them, it’s likely I’ll be on the receiving end of some degree of physical torture from them). And the rest of Charlize’s entourage. And she rolls quite deep. And quite a few more around but I’m getting tired of coming up with nicknames for now.

Anyway, here I am back writing. And hopefully so in the immediate future. Sadly to note, I didn’t make the deadline for the MPH KL Odyssey project. And it grieves me greatly. As I said, absence of tranquility. The idea of the story finally materialized but too little too late, I’m afraid. It was during one of those quick lunches I had to take when it suddenly hit me, ‘Oh, that’s a brilliant one,’. I managed to write a paragraph or two, in the end. It looks promising and tentatively entitled ‘The Holiday’. Though it would not have any resemblance to the Cameron Diaz + Jude Law flick. More towards Road Trip (though not as funny) and a little bit of Stand By Me (not as moving). But again, sadly, it was not done in time. Anyhow, I will continue to write it since time has given me a break now. And readily available piece should an opportunity such as this ever rises again.

On another thing, on a wholly different topic, I want to talk about New Year resolutions. Yes, I know it’s already February but then again, don’t think you think it’s about time to measure up how well you’ve done on that resolution of yours? Saved that RM200 you intend to every month? Lost any weight? Maybe even 1 kg perhaps? Less than a pack a day now?

What I don’t get about New Year resolutions are that people tend to have them as something they are unlikely or hate to do in the first place. And that is what I got so much beef about that I need to talk about it even it is slightly a month overdue to do it.

Things like quitting smoking, losing weight, spending less are basically self torture if you’re a chain smoker, loves those sundaes at Delicious and a confessed shopaholic. Why do you think we all love Bridget Jones so much? Because we can relate to her so much every time she breaks back into one of her old habits. It makes us laugh, true, but it also serves as a harrowing reminder. On that note, what I suggest is why don’t we make fun and exciting resolutions? To dress sexier to the office, for example. Or to go to New Zealand and do bungee jumping or, in my case, get fuckin’ published. Sure it might be difficult and not necessarily a defined path but aren’t all resolutions like that? One thing for sure, it’s definitely interesting to find out. And that creates plenty of motivation. The one thing you need to see it throughout. And it’d be nice to sit back one day and say, ‘it was so cold that day that I couldn’t piss in my pants even if I wanted to but I did bungee-jump in New Zealand,

And with that, I have rejoined the bandwagon of having a New Year resolution. Getting published is probably my secondary resolution. My primary one is to venture out. And I intend to do that by organizing a trip with my mates within the South East Asia region. Oh yeah! Exotic booties here we come!

I know it’s not that grandeur since some people I know have made trips to Australia and Europe like their annual balik kampung trip. Come to think of it, they are! Since some actually do have homes there. Talk about being fed with a silver spoon. But it has to be noted that some of us are a little less fortunate. Some of us are not that spoilt (matilamak). So, if all goes well, a trip to Thailand, or Indonesia maybe, sometime mid-year and hopefully, a continuation and real-life inspirations for The Holiday.

2008 has been an absolute bitch so far for me. I didn’t have time to celebrate my own birthday, for crying out loud, let alone organize a party (and getting presents for all my troubles for that matter). Hopefully things will slightly change beginning this Saturday.

Cheers for a memorable 2008. And to ‘Charlize’, my personal Sexiest Woman Alive 2007.