Saturday, April 26, 2008

Of Humour and Cruelty

Undeniably, seeing Bunga was certainly an uplifting feeling. Strangely though, not as much as her other friend did, who almost tripped me with slightly late challenge. She’s one of those people who is profoundly gorgeous and incredibly nice at the same time. A trait combination that I rarely see in my life. Talking to her gave me such an inferior feeling that by the time she finished her second sentence, I had shrunk to 8 inches tall. No wonder she’s married. And for that I wouldn’t even dare to nickname her. Which is why we’re returning to Bunga, who is in a less endearing circumstance.

I have a confession to make. After all this time, talking about Bunga, I did ‘forget’ to mention one important detail about her. She’s already seeing someone. Yes, it was heartbreak for me the first time I heard the news but as experience has taught me, don’t be too disheartened, lad. There is still much wonder to behold out there. Keep your socks on. Although, a few glimpses now and then of her couldn’t hurt.

It’s not official yet (I think), but from what I can see it would just be a matter of time before it is. And under this situation, let me tell you a predicament about humour and cruelty.

Now, first rule about the guy who is dating the chick you fancy but only found out a little later than to your liking is to plain out hate him. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, well, yeah, it is kind of personal. This is why you should never date an ex of your mate. Another famous unwritten rule of Guy Law. So when this kind thing happens, you don’t end up hating your mate.

Anyway, here it is, this guy, in my view, everything is wrong with him. I couldn’t even stand the way he orders his drinks. I was on an all-out hate war on him. It’s very childish, I know, but how else could I channel my frustration? But, somehow, I made the grave mistake of underestimating my opponents. Turns out, this guy’s good.

Let me ask you this. In order to work up a relationship with a chick, what is one of the most important things you must do? You confide in her friends. Convince her friends to convince her that you are worth her time. And even although I began to hang out Bunga and her mainstay entourage only a few months recently, I was under the impression that he sees me as part of her closest allies as well. Flattering, indeed. But, after all, it does make sense. It’s one thing to convince her female friends. It’s another with her male friends. We know the game too. And surely, soon enough, he began to be make friends with me. And the worst thing is, he turns out to be quite a decent bloke too. This is the cruel part.

I was supposed to hate this guy. Give him the stink eye and disprove his hairstyle but later that night, during chill-out, a discussion about Champions League broke out between us guys as the TV was showing a replay of Barca vs Man Utd. I knew the scoreline but I still can’t help going ‘ooh’ ‘aah’ every time a good opportunity was spurned. Especially in Barca’s case. Intrigued, the not-yet-official-bf, who was seated next to me, asked me whether I was a Man Utd fan. I just laughed out loud. Fuck no!

Then a Liverpool supporter suddenly groaned about Riise’s own goal and I gave out a bigger laugh. Drowning in my euphoria, suddenly the NYOBF asked me another question, ‘So which team DO you support?’ I ceased laughing. Now, I have always been apprehensive every time I was asked that question. Usually the response I get after professing my allegiance is ‘Fuck! Glory hunter!’ and that’s one of the nicer insults. The reason being the lack of Chelsea fans in our midst. Even Arsenal fans don’t get this much abuse. So, I tend to avoid from answering this specific question, merely for my preference of not getting called names for no viable reason. Which I intend to do when NYOBF presented me with this exact query. And judging by his first question, he must be a Man Utd fan and surely a tirade of abuse is sure to ensue. However, seated right next to him, there wasn’t any room to escape. So I composed myself and blurted out, ‘Chelsea!’

Instantly, a smile formed on his face and he held out his hand, in a gesture a man would in an arm-wrestling match. I knew exactly what that meant. Oh hell no! He’s a Chelsea fan too! Fuck! Cazzo! Porca troia!

Reluctantly I returned the pledge gesture.

And just to rub salt into wounds, he’s one of those, as he calls is, the ‘pre-Roman’ fans. The time of Vialli and Zola. Well, guess what? That’s my profile too. He’s not one of those typical so-called Chelsea fans that I have come to know along the years. He’s not like Bulu (who’s back supporting Newcastle), Pargon (who I remember being a Liverpool fan back in the days), Tony (who was definitely a Liverpool fan back in the days) and even Wawan (who only began to support the team after Jose began making headways in the Premier League). No. Him and me, we’re True Blues. And that’s the humour part.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my predicament. His last words to me before the end of the night? ‘We’re best friends’

I want to cry.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Bunga Effect

I had a plan. I got it all figured out. I would go up to her and say, ‘hey, happy birthday. So what is it? 19?’ and we’ll have a little laugh. Sounds perfect. It ought to be perfect. But, some things you can only plan so much. I was not present for the moment of truth and, honestly speaking, it was nobody’ fault. Something came up. Yes, there are things more important than seeing Megan running around working up a sweat and wishing her happy birthday. This was few weeks back.

Today, if all goes well, I might get to see her again. After nearly a month of not doing so. Whether or not she even noticed my long absence is hardly relevant (because I know the answer to that question) because as far as I’m concerned, just to be in her presence is probably going to be the highlight of my week. Let’s just call it the Megan Effect.

Oh wait, that reminds me.

After going through my BM phase recently, it got me thinking. What do I use ‘Megan’ to refer her? Or ‘Charlize’ before that? Wouldn’t it be cooler if, say, I use something like Yasmin? Or Sazzy? Or Fasha? Fazura? Fauzana? Whoa, that’s too many F’s. How about Deborah Priya Henry? Nah, nanti Deb lagi sorang perasan pulak. Or a little Indonesian flavor? Rossa? Mulan? Atilia? And my personal favorite – Bunga Citra Lestari. At least I can pretend to be Ashraff Sinclair. Hey, ske ati aku la, angan-angan aku! But, seriously, Bunga is not bad actually. I know these name changing can be troublesome and confusing, but if you call yourself my loyal readers, you’d bear it with me.

Now, I better get ready and go Mandi Bunga (I wish I can say that more often).

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

This Is Not A Political Blog, really

Umno info chief Muhammad Taib now a blogger
BIDOR: The man who once lodged a police report against the Malaysia Today news portal for supposedly carrying a series of provocative remarks has ironically joined the ranks of bloggers.
Umno information chief Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib said he had set up his own blog at a few days ago to encourage the computer-savvy crowd, especially the younger generation, to air their views and grievances.
New Netizen: A screenshot of Muhammad’s blog which is in Bahasa Malaysia.
Muhammad, who is the Rural and Regional Development Minister, pointed out that there were times when complaints lodged by the people ended up lost and the blog would be a useful avenue for them.
Complaints filed by those who brought their problems directly to him through the blog would be acted upon and the relevant authorities would be directed to attend to them, said Muhammad.
The people could raise anything from broken bridges to damaged roads, but the minister said he also welcomed discussion on judicial reforms, the Anti-Corruption Agency or any ministry affairs.
“Unlike the press, the blog will be a two-way traffic. So my medium is better than yours,” he joked with reporters during a working visit to Kampung Poh here yesterday.
When pointed out that he once used to be at odds with certain bloggers, Muhammad said: “If you can’t fight them, join them!”
A check of the site showed Muhammad blogged on the resignation of Malay village chiefs and welcomed a suggestion by PAS to discuss the Malay agenda with Umno.
Most recently, he touched on Umno supreme council member Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Khir Toyo’s remarks about the Prime Minister.
The blog noted that it accepted all feedback but only “polite and well-mannered” comments would be posted.
Last year, Muhammad had lodged a police report in Kuala Lumpur stating that Malaysia Today carried a series of remarks that insulted the King, degraded Islam and incited hatred and violence in the country on July 11.
His report raised concerns that the Government might start cracking down on bloggers in the country.
In Putrajaya, Muhammad said professionals from rural areas should go back to serve the community.
“Since they are professionals and have the funds, they could sponsor programmes, especially for the development of children and youths in rural areas who would otherwise be neglected.

Well, well, ain't that a surprise? It seems more and more people are joining in the bandwagon. Add this to Khir Toyo's blog and suddenly we find the same people who went against this technology beginnig to embrace it. What took you so long? Apart from these two, there are others more follwing in their tracks (or should I say ours?) but I couldn't recall any of them right now. Individuals but also certain organizations as well.

I don't like to blow my trumpet but what did I tell ya? Yes, you may call me Nostra-badoque.

Dude, Where's My Car?

Some may find this hard to believe but on certain weekends, I tend to accompany my mother to the Sunday morning market. And last Sunday was one of them.

The main reason she wants me to come along is she wants to pick up only a few stuff and would only require about 20 minutes of shopping time. So that makes finding a parking, which are notoriously difficult during these morning markets, I was the perfect foil to wait in the car by the side of the road while keeping the engine running.

As such the case, it was quite the norm as she shut the passenger door and I put the gear in Park, pull up the emergency brake and rolled down the windows to breath in the morning air.

That morning was no different than any other morning the previous weekends. Except when my eyes caught a pakcik walked by in front of the car in your typical kopiah, t-shirt and kain sarung. Judging by the plastic bags he’s holding in his left hand, I assumed he’s done grocery shopping for the day.

Lackadaisically, he crossed the road, all the while retrieving his car keys from his pocket, and walked towards to this nice looking maroon 2007 Honda Accord. As he came to the side of the car, his hand reaching for the door handle, he suddenly stopped and smiled to himself. Without much hesitation, he turned to his right, and continued walking a few more metres ahead to another car.

His maroon Proton Waja.

Lek ah pakcik nak berangan pun!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sape Lagi Power?

Sedang aku membelek-belek The Star mencari bahagian komik, aku ternampak sebuah gamba observation wheel di kelam malam dihiasi pancuran-pancuran bunga api lantas menggamit hati sanubari dengan…ala malas la nak bersandiwara.

Ni..gamba tu sebenarnye gamba Singapore Flyer. Aku tulis ni sebab aku naik hangin lagi la. Singapore Flyer tu observation wheel macam Eye On Malaysia, tapi bese la orang Singapore kiasu, mesti buat lagi grand punye. Saiz siap lagi besa dari yg ori kat London tu. Kalau nak dibandingkan dgn Malaysia punye, takyah cite ah. Lebih 2 kali ganda ade. Tengok eh, ketinggian masing-masing;

Eye On Malaysia 60m
London Eye 135m
Singapore Flyer 165m

Ha Nampak sangat versi Malaysia haprak kan? Dahla name ala-ala tiru ade ‘Eye’. At least, Singapore piker name sendiri. Not bad gak ah name Flyer. Pastu kite dan-dan letak name ‘On Malaysia’ yang semestinye dari segi geografinye lagi besar dari Singapore maupun London. Tapi, hakikatnye, yang paling kecik antara ketiga-tiga. Ego tak kena tempat kan?

Kalau nak cite psal sirkit F1 lagi la. Sepang adalah antara litar pertama di Asia (selain dari Jepun) dan pertama di rantau Asia Tenggara. Sepatutnye guna la peluang itu untuk establish diri sendiri supaya dapat menten market share yang besar serta hadkan threat of new entrants untuk tahun-tahu berikutnye. Ha amik kau Porter’s 5 Forces model. Ade jugak hasil ade blaja time wiken sementara orang lain duk huha. Ni tak. Tup-tup, datang Singapore lagi mencelah nak taja race time mlm pastu guna jalan-jalan kat bandar. Memang stail la idea tu. Satu lagi tempat yg guna jalan bandar sebagai litar adalah kat Monte Carlo, dan itu adalah litar paling glemer dalam calendar F1. Buat tengah malam memang first time ah. Campur 2 idea tu memang power la. Dah camtu baru la Sepang menggelabah. Baru la kite sebuk nak pasang lampu buat race malam jugak. Pastu sekarang, Shanghai pun ade track sendiri. Ha amik kau. Leka sangat kan? Sekali kena bedebuk kau jatuh. Kite yang sepatutnye otai dlm host race F1 kat Asia ni tetiba dah jadi cam pak dungu je kat tepi jalan. Haih stress, stress. Kandang babi tu pun satu hal. Macamla takde tempat lain. Binatang tu bukan reti pun kau nak letak die kat mane. Macam la kalau die tengok kapal terbang hari-hari jadi semakin sihat. Dah macam ni, aku kesain gak kat Azalina. Buat menyusah orang nak promote Sepang. Tarikan pelancong: 1-KLIA, 2-Litar F1 Sepang, 3-Kandang Babi termoden negara.

Tapi, tak taula, harap-harap Singapore pun ade plan gak nak buat kandang babi terbesar kat dunia.

Mari Kite Sembang

Ape kabar semua? Yaa, diilhamkan dari membaca blog Wasted United serta artikel tentang karya Sufian Abas yang bertajuk Kasut Biru Rubina, aku telah mengambil keputusan untuk menulis dalam bahasa melayu kali ni.

Sering kite lupakan, sembang dlm bahasa melayu ni cool sebenarnye, eh silap, menyejukkan. Ish cam pantat je guna perkataan ‘menyejukkan’. Ha itu lagi satu. Mengikut kata encik sufian (bukan encik abas seperti orang2 amerika guna untuk refer encik osama sebagai ‘bin laden’. Sengal ke hape? Sia-sia je korang ade Harvard, MIT semua), buku-buku cerita melayu sekarang ni sepatutnye ditulis dalam bahasa yang orang guna sehari-hari. Seperti perkataan ‘pantat’. Memang itu bahasa kasar tapi sangat lazim digunakan oleh masyarakat seharian. Lebih-lebih lagi ketika memandu di MRR2 dan ade orang masuk lane kite tanpa signal dan brek mengejut. Dalam konteks ini, ujaran ‘pantat’ adalah tidak keterlaluan. Kalau lagi kuat jeritan, lagi bagus. Oleh itu, walapun aku claim guna BM, tapi lebih kepada rojak sebenarnye. Kalau DBP tengok ni, kompom tak approve punye. Kena blacklist ade la kut. Sebab itu la ade la diselitkan beberapa perkataan omputih di sini-sana. Baru la ade feel. Macam orang real life sembang kan? Bukan macam dalam cite Gerak Khas tu. Tak elok ah! Melampau structured nye. Macam nak termuntah.

Apapun, aku takdela nak tulis dalam BM sepanjangnye dalam blog ni. Mungkin kali ni saje. Ikut mood katakan. Tajuk blog pun It’s A Guy Thing. Takkan nak tuka jadi Ia Adalah Perkara Lelaki? Gile tak bes. Macam tajuk artikel dalam majalah Maskulin lak. Sekali sekala kite tuka angin. Ni pun bukannye first time aku tulis dlm BM. Aku penah buat sekali dulu. Kalau tak silap ade pasal hand beg Kak Gina kut. Keciknye alahai. Macam buah mangga. Tapi sekarang dah kawen dengan Kabi, bole la kut die blanje bini die beg tangan besa skit.

Basically, itula die. However, essentially this is an English blog (cewah cakap omputih). Walaupun bes sembang dlm BM sekali-sekala, aku rase aku lagi tere me'laser' orang dlm BI. Lagi-lagi kalau psal bende dari barat. Macam Chelsea. Ye aku memang penyokong Chelsea tapi kalau dah main kat tempat sendiri pastu seri dengan Wigan, lu bikin gua panasss beb!* Tak semena-mena kena kutat dengan penyokong MU. Ditambah lak Steve Bruce tu pun pro-MU. Khemakk ah wei!* ye aku tau aku cakap nak maki hamun dlm omputih tp dah alang2 ni. Lagi satu, aku taknak la dicop sebagai anti-semitism tp lu bikin gua hangin la Avram. Dah leading 1-0 tu, buatla cara leading 1-0. Ni duk main2 ‘marila Wigan, marila score kalau bole’ satgi dah derang score betul, ha baru padan muka. Sebuk dgn performance. Tp kalau takde hasil tak guna gak. 16 shots, 6 on target. Wigan ade 6 shots, 4 on target. Ha ape? Nak jadi cam Arsenal ke? BPH*. Ego tak kena tempat.

K lah, gua dah penat membebel. Lapa lak tu. Blum sembang psal muvi lagi. Psal muka depan NST arini (16 April 08) Cayalah NST!!. Ish sebuk betul jadi blogger tak berbaya ni. Ok geng. Oh lagi satu, gua nak kabo semua, gua member dgn Afdlin Shauki dalam Facebook. Styyyle…(peduli la die ade 3000+ kawan lain lagi). Ok babai.

*di plagiarized dari Wasted United