Striptease

As a Chelsea fan, the last 7 days has been very shitty. Ousted from the Champions League and losing the Premiership title, both in acrimonious fashion, has been a very bitter pill to swallow. And it has not been helped by the extremely biased reports from the sports section of The Star and NST respectively, exceedingly glorifying Liverpool and Man Utd that they might as well print them on red paper. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It’s like high school all over again. Thankfully, over the years, I have managed to rid myself from some very distasteful so-called Man Utd fans who know twat about football and yet claim to be die-hard fans as if they were actually born in Manchester. Fuckin’ wankers.

Well, anyway, Spidey 3 sucked. I’ll post my review of it on Friendster. Nifty little thing that review section. I have probably written a dozen of ‘em already. It’s a nice little space where I can lambast all the movies which I deemed not have been worth my time or money. The most recent example being Ghost Rider. And I can’t believe Spidey 3 followed suit. But more of that on Friendster.

What was I going to talk about just now? Oh right, striptease. Striptease is such a beautiful concept, don’t you think? It’s the ultimate turn on. I don’t know a single guy who would turn down such a thing. Well, some prefer the art of role-playing, but hey, whatever works for you.

I’m bringing this topic up because I have been exposed to a few decent versions of it for the past week or so. For starters, remember that naughty website that I mentioned. Yeah, well, I’ve managed to persuade 2 of the girls, on separate occasions, to do a lap dance for me – for free! Haha it was so much fun. One of them actually did it topless. What a dupe. They were terrible dancers, of course, but I attribute that to the lack of proper background music to spur them on, but more on that later.

And then, I went to this night spot called Sugar last Saturday, located at Crowne Plaza, and there was this band that was making its debut on that very night and they were awful. They totally fouled up Starlight but it was understandable because copying Muse can be very tricky but still foolish of them to even try if they know they’re not up to it. However, when they managed to do even worse for Smack That, that was it. I mean, hard rock and electronica with classical and prog rock elements is one thing, but how the hell can you mess up hip-hop? Hip-hop is not even singing. It’s just talking in rhymes. How difficult is that? They made me wish I was listening back to Akon. And that is a terrible wish. But then, they threw a surprise at everyone when they unleashed their secret weapon.

The band consists of two lead female singers. One of them is hot while the other is not. Up until then, the less hot one was monopolizing the mike and leading the band (quite badly, if I might add) while the hot one was resigned to do back-up singing. Now, they’ve exchanged places and their next song of choice was Inul Daratista’s Kocok-Kocok. And my life after that, ladies and gentlemen, would never be the same again.

The song Kocok-Kocok itself is not alien to me. I first heard it when Kak Nieta performed it during one of our karaoke night-outs. Just like any dangdut songs (and Inul’s for that matter) the lyrics were provocative and lingers around the suggestion of sex. But of course, with Inul, it is meant for mass distribution, meaning there’s a limit on how dirty you want the song to sound like. But at a nightclub, well, you’re not bound to such a rule and this band, Take 5, was free to take it to the next level much to the delight of the male audience (including me who was jumping joyously barely 2 metres away from hot female lead).

For one thing, she has a much more refined ass than Inul so when she does the famed gelek, it resembles more to Shakira’s rather than the Indonesian provocateur. And the sight of her skimpy skirt, flapping at her butt cheek every time she does it just adds to the gratification. But the real pleasure was every time she sang the words ‘kocok-kocok’. According to the lyrics, it was meant to refer to the emotions of love but this chick suggested a different meaning when she made a hand pumping gesture towards her hips as if to indicate she was thrusting a dildo into her crotch. With a pitched voice to match, it just blew the crowd’s mind away.

Then she reaches the line ‘baru keluar ah…’, and, my goodness, her expression of an orgasm even topped that of Meg Ryan’s version from When Harry Met Sally. If I remember correctly, I think, for a brief moment, I lost my mind a bit back then. And as the song came close to the end, she gave a final blow, very slow and very sexy ‘kocok-kocok’, to a resounding applause from the crowd. With that show, I could only imagine what a lap dance or a striptease would actually feel like. Man, I have to visit Amsterdam one day.

You know, it is such a pity there are no strip clubs here. They would be such a cool place to hang out. A couple of drinks, a few laughs, a naked woman dancing around a pole, it’d be perfect. But we don’t live in an ideal world so I don’t think strip clubs would be making its way here anytime soon. But all hope is not lost. If you’re lucky enough, and have the guts to ask for it, you can have your girlfriend to do it for you. It won’t be easy though. Few girlfriends would agree to such a thing and even fewer who would do a good job at it. Which is why, a good background music is key to a good striptease because it would help her settle into the mood. With a little help from AskMen.com, I have managed to compile a collection of 10 songs to do just that.

Some of the songs are already quite popular so you wouldn’t have much trouble finding them. For instance, Britney Spears’ I’m A Slave 4 U. Another one is Pussycat Dolls’ Buttons. Also in the mix is Nelly’s Hot In Here though I can’t put the picture of Jimmy Fallon out of my head so it might be a turn off for me. Some lesser known songs would include Madonna’s Justify My Love and my ultimate favorite, Lovage’s Sex (I’m a). That song is full of moans that you can’t help but wanting to be making some of your own with the missus at the end of it.

All of these songs just don’t have the beats but also the naughty lyrics to go with it. From Britney there’s ‘I cannot hold it, I cannot control it,’. From the Dolls, it’s, ‘And the heat comin’ from this beat, I’m about to blow’. While Lovage talks about virgins, one night stands and making love together. I’d say those are perfect anecdotes.
So the next time you find yourself out of ideas of things to do with your girl, pull the shades, dim the lights, bass up the stereo, sit back and enjoy the show.

With that bombshell it’s goodbye for now and good luck. Cheers.