WNT 8275

Something was going on at Jalan Setapak, near the abandoned Galeria around 11 pm just now. I should know because it took me more than an hour to get from Jalan Tun Razak to Gombak! I don’t know what the ruckus was all about but it has to be crime related. The police were everywhere including a K-9 unit. I’m guessing armed robbery. A potential homicide as well. Things should be cleared up in the papers tomorrow. You probably know better about this even before you hop by here.

Anyway, that’s not the real point I’m writing this. The real point is, that during the gridlocked traffic, typically, some retard on a motorcycle try to be clever, yet again, and even though my car was stationary at that precise time, this piece of turd for a brain managed to knock my side mirror outward. Luckily, there wasn’t any permanent damage but considering it was my left side mirror, it would have been nice if he had apologized and realign it instead of just ignoring the blatant mistake he made and took off! I was maneuvering through hell at Bulatan Pahang and having my left side blind does not bloody help! It was highly disrespectful and despite my efforts of cursing in Italian and honking feverishly, it was pointless. The prick was gone.

All was left was the imprint of the registration number in my head – WNT 8275.

Hence, I'd like to make a vow.

Mark my words and mark them well. The next time I come across the two-wheeled contraption this plate resides on – I shit you not I will run you down. I…Will… Run You Down!

Be afraid WNT 8275. Be very, fucking, afraid.

Of Humour and Cruelty

Undeniably, seeing Bunga was certainly an uplifting feeling. Strangely though, not as much as her other friend did, who almost tripped me with slightly late challenge. She’s one of those people who is profoundly gorgeous and incredibly nice at the same time. A trait combination that I rarely see in my life. Talking to her gave me such an inferior feeling that by the time she finished her second sentence, I had shrunk to 8 inches tall. No wonder she’s married. And for that I wouldn’t even dare to nickname her. Which is why we’re returning to Bunga, who is in a less endearing circumstance.

I have a confession to make. After all this time, talking about Bunga, I did ‘forget’ to mention one important detail about her. She’s already seeing someone. Yes, it was heartbreak for me the first time I heard the news but as experience has taught me, don’t be too disheartened, lad. There is still much wonder to behold out there. Keep your socks on. Although, a few glimpses now and then of her couldn’t hurt.

It’s not official yet (I think), but from what I can see it would just be a matter of time before it is. And under this situation, let me tell you a predicament about humour and cruelty.

Now, first rule about the guy who is dating the chick you fancy but only found out a little later than to your liking is to plain out hate him. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, well, yeah, it is kind of personal. This is why you should never date an ex of your mate. Another famous unwritten rule of Guy Law. So when this kind thing happens, you don’t end up hating your mate.

Anyway, here it is, this guy, in my view, everything is wrong with him. I couldn’t even stand the way he orders his drinks. I was on an all-out hate war on him. It’s very childish, I know, but how else could I channel my frustration? But, somehow, I made the grave mistake of underestimating my opponents. Turns out, this guy’s good.

Let me ask you this. In order to work up a relationship with a chick, what is one of the most important things you must do? You confide in her friends. Convince her friends to convince her that you are worth her time. And even although I began to hang out Bunga and her mainstay entourage only a few months recently, I was under the impression that he sees me as part of her closest allies as well. Flattering, indeed. But, after all, it does make sense. It’s one thing to convince her female friends. It’s another with her male friends. We know the game too. And surely, soon enough, he began to be make friends with me. And the worst thing is, he turns out to be quite a decent bloke too. This is the cruel part.

I was supposed to hate this guy. Give him the stink eye and disprove his hairstyle but later that night, during chill-out, a discussion about Champions League broke out between us guys as the TV was showing a replay of Barca vs Man Utd. I knew the scoreline but I still can’t help going ‘ooh’ ‘aah’ every time a good opportunity was spurned. Especially in Barca’s case. Intrigued, the not-yet-official-bf, who was seated next to me, asked me whether I was a Man Utd fan. I just laughed out loud. Fuck no!

Then a Liverpool supporter suddenly groaned about Riise’s own goal and I gave out a bigger laugh. Drowning in my euphoria, suddenly the NYOBF asked me another question, ‘So which team DO you support?’ I ceased laughing. Now, I have always been apprehensive every time I was asked that question. Usually the response I get after professing my allegiance is ‘Fuck! Glory hunter!’ and that’s one of the nicer insults. The reason being the lack of Chelsea fans in our midst. Even Arsenal fans don’t get this much abuse. So, I tend to avoid from answering this specific question, merely for my preference of not getting called names for no viable reason. Which I intend to do when NYOBF presented me with this exact query. And judging by his first question, he must be a Man Utd fan and surely a tirade of abuse is sure to ensue. However, seated right next to him, there wasn’t any room to escape. So I composed myself and blurted out, ‘Chelsea!’

Instantly, a smile formed on his face and he held out his hand, in a gesture a man would in an arm-wrestling match. I knew exactly what that meant. Oh hell no! He’s a Chelsea fan too! Fuck! Cazzo! Porca troia!

Reluctantly I returned the pledge gesture.

And just to rub salt into wounds, he’s one of those, as he calls is, the ‘pre-Roman’ fans. The time of Vialli and Zola. Well, guess what? That’s my profile too. He’s not one of those typical so-called Chelsea fans that I have come to know along the years. He’s not like Bulu (who’s back supporting Newcastle), Pargon (who I remember being a Liverpool fan back in the days), Tony (who was definitely a Liverpool fan back in the days) and even Wawan (who only began to support the team after Jose began making headways in the Premier League). No. Him and me, we’re True Blues. And that’s the humour part.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my predicament. His last words to me before the end of the night? ‘We’re best friends’

I want to cry.

The Bunga Effect

I had a plan. I got it all figured out. I would go up to her and say, ‘hey, happy birthday. So what is it? 19?’ and we’ll have a little laugh. Sounds perfect. It ought to be perfect. But, some things you can only plan so much. I was not present for the moment of truth and, honestly speaking, it was nobody’ fault. Something came up. Yes, there are things more important than seeing Megan running around working up a sweat and wishing her happy birthday. This was few weeks back.

Today, if all goes well, I might get to see her again. After nearly a month of not doing so. Whether or not she even noticed my long absence is hardly relevant (because I know the answer to that question) because as far as I’m concerned, just to be in her presence is probably going to be the highlight of my week. Let’s just call it the Megan Effect.

Oh wait, that reminds me.

After going through my BM phase recently, it got me thinking. What do I use ‘Megan’ to refer her? Or ‘Charlize’ before that? Wouldn’t it be cooler if, say, I use something like Yasmin? Or Sazzy? Or Fasha? Fazura? Fauzana? Whoa, that’s too many F’s. How about Deborah Priya Henry? Nah, nanti Deb lagi sorang perasan pulak. Or a little Indonesian flavor? Rossa? Mulan? Atilia? And my personal favorite – Bunga Citra Lestari. At least I can pretend to be Ashraff Sinclair. Hey, ske ati aku la, angan-angan aku! But, seriously, Bunga is not bad actually. I know these name changing can be troublesome and confusing, but if you call yourself my loyal readers, you’d bear it with me.

Now, I better get ready and go Mandi Bunga (I wish I can say that more often).

This Is Not A Political Blog, really

Umno info chief Muhammad Taib now a blogger
BIDOR: The man who once lodged a police report against the Malaysia Today news portal for supposedly carrying a series of provocative remarks has ironically joined the ranks of bloggers.
Umno information chief Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib said he had set up his own blog at http://www.muhammadmuhdtaib.com/ a few days ago to encourage the computer-savvy crowd, especially the younger generation, to air their views and grievances.
New Netizen: A screenshot of Muhammad’s blog which is in Bahasa Malaysia.
Muhammad, who is the Rural and Regional Development Minister, pointed out that there were times when complaints lodged by the people ended up lost and the blog would be a useful avenue for them.
Complaints filed by those who brought their problems directly to him through the blog would be acted upon and the relevant authorities would be directed to attend to them, said Muhammad.
The people could raise anything from broken bridges to damaged roads, but the minister said he also welcomed discussion on judicial reforms, the Anti-Corruption Agency or any ministry affairs.
“Unlike the press, the blog will be a two-way traffic. So my medium is better than yours,” he joked with reporters during a working visit to Kampung Poh here yesterday.
When pointed out that he once used to be at odds with certain bloggers, Muhammad said: “If you can’t fight them, join them!”
A check of the site showed Muhammad blogged on the resignation of Malay village chiefs and welcomed a suggestion by PAS to discuss the Malay agenda with Umno.
Most recently, he touched on Umno supreme council member Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Khir Toyo’s remarks about the Prime Minister.
The blog noted that it accepted all feedback but only “polite and well-mannered” comments would be posted.
Last year, Muhammad had lodged a police report in Kuala Lumpur stating that Malaysia Today carried a series of remarks that insulted the King, degraded Islam and incited hatred and violence in the country on July 11.
His report raised concerns that the Government might start cracking down on bloggers in the country.
In Putrajaya, Muhammad said professionals from rural areas should go back to serve the community.
“Since they are professionals and have the funds, they could sponsor programmes, especially for the development of children and youths in rural areas who would otherwise be neglected.


Well, well, ain't that a surprise? It seems more and more people are joining in the bandwagon. Add this to Khir Toyo's blog and suddenly we find the same people who went against this technology beginnig to embrace it. What took you so long? Apart from these two, there are others more follwing in their tracks (or should I say ours?) but I couldn't recall any of them right now. Individuals but also certain organizations as well.

I don't like to blow my trumpet but what did I tell ya? Yes, you may call me Nostra-badoque.

Dude, Where's My Car?

Some may find this hard to believe but on certain weekends, I tend to accompany my mother to the Sunday morning market. And last Sunday was one of them.

The main reason she wants me to come along is she wants to pick up only a few stuff and would only require about 20 minutes of shopping time. So that makes finding a parking, which are notoriously difficult during these morning markets, I was the perfect foil to wait in the car by the side of the road while keeping the engine running.

As such the case, it was quite the norm as she shut the passenger door and I put the gear in Park, pull up the emergency brake and rolled down the windows to breath in the morning air.

That morning was no different than any other morning the previous weekends. Except when my eyes caught a pakcik walked by in front of the car in your typical kopiah, t-shirt and kain sarung. Judging by the plastic bags he’s holding in his left hand, I assumed he’s done grocery shopping for the day.

Lackadaisically, he crossed the road, all the while retrieving his car keys from his pocket, and walked towards to this nice looking maroon 2007 Honda Accord. As he came to the side of the car, his hand reaching for the door handle, he suddenly stopped and smiled to himself. Without much hesitation, he turned to his right, and continued walking a few more metres ahead to another car.

His maroon Proton Waja.

Lek ah pakcik nak berangan pun!

Sape Lagi Power?

Sedang aku membelek-belek The Star mencari bahagian komik, aku ternampak sebuah gamba observation wheel di kelam malam dihiasi pancuran-pancuran bunga api lantas menggamit hati sanubari dengan…ala malas la nak bersandiwara.

Ni..gamba tu sebenarnye gamba Singapore Flyer. Aku tulis ni sebab aku naik hangin lagi la. Singapore Flyer tu observation wheel macam Eye On Malaysia, tapi bese la orang Singapore kiasu, mesti buat lagi grand punye. Saiz siap lagi besa dari yg ori kat London tu. Kalau nak dibandingkan dgn Malaysia punye, takyah cite ah. Lebih 2 kali ganda ade. Tengok eh, ketinggian masing-masing;

Eye On Malaysia 60m
London Eye 135m
Singapore Flyer 165m

Ha Nampak sangat versi Malaysia haprak kan? Dahla name ala-ala tiru ade ‘Eye’. At least, Singapore piker name sendiri. Not bad gak ah name Flyer. Pastu kite dan-dan letak name ‘On Malaysia’ yang semestinye dari segi geografinye lagi besar dari Singapore maupun London. Tapi, hakikatnye, yang paling kecik antara ketiga-tiga. Ego tak kena tempat kan?

Kalau nak cite psal sirkit F1 lagi la. Sepang adalah antara litar pertama di Asia (selain dari Jepun) dan pertama di rantau Asia Tenggara. Sepatutnye guna la peluang itu untuk establish diri sendiri supaya dapat menten market share yang besar serta hadkan threat of new entrants untuk tahun-tahu berikutnye. Ha amik kau Porter’s 5 Forces model. Ade jugak hasil ade blaja time wiken sementara orang lain duk huha. Ni tak. Tup-tup, datang Singapore lagi mencelah nak taja race time mlm pastu guna jalan-jalan kat bandar. Memang stail la idea tu. Satu lagi tempat yg guna jalan bandar sebagai litar adalah kat Monte Carlo, dan itu adalah litar paling glemer dalam calendar F1. Buat tengah malam memang first time ah. Campur 2 idea tu memang power la. Dah camtu baru la Sepang menggelabah. Baru la kite sebuk nak pasang lampu buat race malam jugak. Pastu sekarang, Shanghai pun ade track sendiri. Ha amik kau. Leka sangat kan? Sekali kena bedebuk kau jatuh. Kite yang sepatutnye otai dlm host race F1 kat Asia ni tetiba dah jadi cam pak dungu je kat tepi jalan. Haih stress, stress. Kandang babi tu pun satu hal. Macamla takde tempat lain. Binatang tu bukan reti pun kau nak letak die kat mane. Macam la kalau die tengok kapal terbang hari-hari jadi semakin sihat. Dah macam ni, aku kesain gak kat Azalina. Buat menyusah orang nak promote Sepang. Tarikan pelancong: 1-KLIA, 2-Litar F1 Sepang, 3-Kandang Babi termoden negara.

Tapi, tak taula, harap-harap Singapore pun ade plan gak nak buat kandang babi terbesar kat dunia.

Mari Kite Sembang

Ape kabar semua? Yaa, diilhamkan dari membaca blog Wasted United serta artikel tentang karya Sufian Abas yang bertajuk Kasut Biru Rubina, aku telah mengambil keputusan untuk menulis dalam bahasa melayu kali ni.

Sering kite lupakan, sembang dlm bahasa melayu ni cool sebenarnye, eh silap, menyejukkan. Ish cam pantat je guna perkataan ‘menyejukkan’. Ha itu lagi satu. Mengikut kata encik sufian (bukan encik abas seperti orang2 amerika guna untuk refer encik osama sebagai ‘bin laden’. Sengal ke hape? Sia-sia je korang ade Harvard, MIT semua), buku-buku cerita melayu sekarang ni sepatutnye ditulis dalam bahasa yang orang guna sehari-hari. Seperti perkataan ‘pantat’. Memang itu bahasa kasar tapi sangat lazim digunakan oleh masyarakat seharian. Lebih-lebih lagi ketika memandu di MRR2 dan ade orang masuk lane kite tanpa signal dan brek mengejut. Dalam konteks ini, ujaran ‘pantat’ adalah tidak keterlaluan. Kalau lagi kuat jeritan, lagi bagus. Oleh itu, walapun aku claim guna BM, tapi lebih kepada rojak sebenarnye. Kalau DBP tengok ni, kompom tak approve punye. Kena blacklist ade la kut. Sebab itu la ade la diselitkan beberapa perkataan omputih di sini-sana. Baru la ade feel. Macam orang real life sembang kan? Bukan macam dalam cite Gerak Khas tu. Tak elok ah! Melampau structured nye. Macam nak termuntah.

Apapun, aku takdela nak tulis dalam BM sepanjangnye dalam blog ni. Mungkin kali ni saje. Ikut mood katakan. Tajuk blog pun It’s A Guy Thing. Takkan nak tuka jadi Ia Adalah Perkara Lelaki? Gile tak bes. Macam tajuk artikel dalam majalah Maskulin lak. Sekali sekala kite tuka angin. Ni pun bukannye first time aku tulis dlm BM. Aku penah buat sekali dulu. Kalau tak silap ade pasal hand beg Kak Gina kut. Keciknye alahai. Macam buah mangga. Tapi sekarang dah kawen dengan Kabi, bole la kut die blanje bini die beg tangan besa skit.

Basically, itula die. However, essentially this is an English blog (cewah cakap omputih). Walaupun bes sembang dlm BM sekali-sekala, aku rase aku lagi tere me'laser' orang dlm BI. Lagi-lagi kalau psal bende dari barat. Macam Chelsea. Ye aku memang penyokong Chelsea tapi kalau dah main kat tempat sendiri pastu seri dengan Wigan, lu bikin gua panasss beb!* Tak semena-mena kena kutat dengan penyokong MU. Ditambah lak Steve Bruce tu pun pro-MU. Khemakk ah wei!* ye aku tau aku cakap nak maki hamun dlm omputih tp dah alang2 ni. Lagi satu, aku taknak la dicop sebagai anti-semitism tp lu bikin gua hangin la Avram. Dah leading 1-0 tu, buatla cara leading 1-0. Ni duk main2 ‘marila Wigan, marila score kalau bole’ satgi dah derang score betul, ha baru padan muka. Sebuk dgn performance. Tp kalau takde hasil tak guna gak. 16 shots, 6 on target. Wigan ade 6 shots, 4 on target. Ha ape? Nak jadi cam Arsenal ke? BPH*. Ego tak kena tempat.

K lah, gua dah penat membebel. Lapa lak tu. Blum sembang psal muvi lagi. Psal muka depan NST arini (16 April 08) Cayalah NST!!. Ish sebuk betul jadi blogger tak berbaya ni. Ok geng. Oh lagi satu, gua nak kabo semua, gua member dgn Afdlin Shauki dalam Facebook. Styyyle…(peduli la die ade 3000+ kawan lain lagi). Ok babai.


*di plagiarized dari Wasted United

This Is Not A Political Blog

This is not a political blog. However, during our late lunch at Taman Melati before heading off to Sunburst last Saturday, Machiko, maybe in an attempt to make small talk at the table or just being really curious, asked towards no one in particular, ‘Sape jadi MB Perlis ah?’ And in a reflex-like response, out of my mouth, I blurted, ‘Isa Sabu,’ and froze.

In that precise moment, under a daunting realization, I knew what I had become and dreaded it. I am one of those grown-ups who talks about politics. I knew that this day will come but not this soon.

I used to irk about all those old people at coffee shops talking about those in power on who’s doing what. I never saw the point of talking about people who you don’t know personally about and being passionately at that. I mean, why bother? It’s not like they know you. At all.

But all that changed during the recent general election. Even when they started to put up all those poster and flags, I saw it as a form of littering. Then, I went back to Kelantan on the eve of the naming of the candidates due to some family business, and it began to spark an interest in me.

The scene there, well, in Kota Bharu at least, was rather interesting. There was all this talk on how BN would bring out all the stops to take over Kelantan and make a clean sweep of all the states in the country. Yes, the blue and white flags were certainly in abundance but almost half-expectedly enough, the people there just couldn’t be bothered by all the campaigning. They just seem content as they have always been. No voices in support of change or development as being portrayed in the papers. One morning, my father and I went for breakfast at a small warung and the server, judging from our clothes, asked where we were from. My father replied jokingly, in Kelantanese, we came all the way from KL just to ‘pakoh bule’ (cross the moon). Joining in the amusement, she expressed her relief, ‘Ho mujurlah oghe dari Kolupo pung mari tolong,’ It was a harmless morning bicker but nonetheless reflects the overall sentiment of the community.

Pemuda BN put up a rather interesting banner throughout the place which I thought was rather creative. But, as I watched the League Cup Final at a roadside coffee shop that Sunday, the patrons there were making fun of it.

By the time I arrived back here at KL, I have a new take on the whole election picture. Prior to that, I was among the arrogant city folks who thought he knows what’s best for the people in Kelantan without even having properly live there despite being a Kelantanese himself. Sure, bring BN in and your state will prosper. But, there’s a saying, ‘if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it’. And that what was exactly going on in Kelantan. Suddenly, I was feeling like a Mr. goody two-shoes. What gives me the right to tell people living far away from me how they should live and what’s good for them? George, take note.

So, then, to me, the idea of a BN clean sweep suddenly seems rather bad. First of all, the people there are happy as they are. Why mess about? It’s not like a tyrant is ruling there practicing genocide. And second, in a larger picture, it is best for some form of opposition to be present in the political scene. Just for the sake of keeping the ruling party on their toes and not taking their power for granted (in which some may argue, is already happening). Monopoly is not a good thing. It breeds complacency. Just look at my Streamyx connection. It’s still rubbish. 1.0 Mbps my foot.

With that in mind, it is inevitable that the outcome of the general election intrigues me. Kelantan being my primary concern. As it turns out, I was worried for nothing. And yet, plenty to talk about.

I wasn’t that of an enthusiast like my father and elder brother who stayed up all night to catch the results live as they came in. I just woke up half past seven the next day and turn on the TV to catch the main results. As I imagined with many other Malaysians, I expected to see BN registering wins across the board. But when the ticker began to flash defeats to both Samy Vellu and Sharizat, I suddenly had my morning coffee. It was quite unbelievable. Then I went downstairs and my brother was trumpeting BN had lost I thought, surely not.

And then, as we all had experienced, the flurry and chaos that ensued. And no, we will not divulge further into that. What did I say? This is not a political blog. You have Malaysia Kini for that. And that is quite a site, mind you. Which moves me nicely, from my view, on what went wrong for BN in that general election. I have one word for you– Youths.

I think the only people who really knew that they and their opinions mattered, were the youths themselves. BN just didn’t connect with them. Or worse still, didn’t bother to. I think this all started way back in 2004 when they had that big memorable win. Remember what I said about complacency? And they were caught right in it. People who weren’t eligible to vote then, but were this year, are the 17 – 20 year old brackets back in 2004. And, judging by what the results have told us, our young generation is actually getting smarter and critically aware. Although, I still couldn’t fathom the obsession with Akademi Fantasia and Razak Mohaideen movies.

When I say that BN didn’t connect with our youths, I mean, literally didn’t connect. They were left behind in the mediums that were being used. Generally, all young people spend most of their time in front of their computers. Be it at home, at college, at Starbucks or the office for the fresh graduates. And they don’t go the newspaper sites such as Utusan Malaysia (except for Hadi) or the ones with the .gov.my at the end. They go to social utility sites, blogs and forwarding funny e-mails. And BN failed to recognize this evolution of communication. Instead of embracing technology to cultivate faith among youths they went the other way and did the single biggest mistake they could. Go against the bloggers.

Globally blogs are viewed as a new source of information. And in Malaysia, we have a healthy blogosphere going on. It wasn’t once of twice that we hear various politicians accusing bloggers of spreading lies and hearsays to spread hate among the people. I’ll admit there maybe some out there who set out to do just so. But, these politicians did not take the time to explore the subject deep enough and understand the culture behind blogging that when they came out harshly and saying such things, they didn’t sound like they were going against the actual evil doers but bloggers in general. And it is no secret most bloggers are young people. So when you do that, automatically you have gone against them and hugely disrespected a medium in which they value highly. And they wonder why more people tend to prefer what they could read on the internet rather than the normal medium of newspapers and TV. Well, why shouldn’t they? After all, all they could read in the papers of youths being blamed for everything from crime rates to poor academic performance. And they only watch TV for AXN, MTV or the sports channel.

What’s more, internet news is quicker and more direct. No smoke screens or bullshit as in the papers. We don’t care what event you’re officiating or charity dinners you’re going to. We have questions about the decisions you made and we expect reasonable justification. Not responding them and branding them as pure gossip only creates further suspicion. As they say you cannot believe everything you read in the newspapers, not everything are lies on the internet. And these doubts and suspicion, are not made by few, but many. And most of them are from well-educated people. People who knows the system and says ‘hang on, something’s not right here,’ Of course the rest will start giving notice. And this what built up for the last couple of years and I don’t believe BN realized this and hence, did not keep it in check.

The election results is not an indication of the people’s improved faith in the opposition party (God knows they’re not that grand either) but continued lack of trust for BN. A point made clearly by Tun Mahathir. Love him or hate him. You have to admit he has a brilliant mind.

As for the opposition, well, testing times for them as well. Abolishment of tolls? Reduce oil price by 30 cents? Come on. Does anybody actually believe that? Yes, the current toll rates can be murderous but then again, constructing those three-lane highways is not an easy job. Or a cheap one at that. And, yes, it does need maintenance from time to time. You’re talking about hundreds of miles of concrete slabs. At some point, some will need patching up. So, reduced charges are a more likely scenario at best, considering you have to renegotiate the agreements. Total abolishment is rather ridiculous. And oil price? World economy? Hello? High oil prices is not the makings of the Malaysian government. The rest of the world is suffering from it as well. You want to blame someone? Blame George and his so-called war on terror. Or invasion is more likely. And what’s this I hear about making Petronas footing part of the subsidy bill? Have you no shame? So just because Petronas is in the right business at the right time somehow gives some outsiders the right to share the company’s wealth? Who are you? Joseph Stalin? And free medical? You only need to pay RM1 upon entry at a government hospital to find out what’s wrong with you. And that includes all the MRIs, biopsies and other expensive tests you can think of. If you go to Glen Eagles or Ampang Puteri then of course you will have to pay big money and that’s not the government’s call. That’s the board of directors of that particular hospital. Even if you are an MP of Ampang there nothing much you can do. Be thankful you’re not living in the US. Watch Sicko to knock some sense into you.

And although with yesterday’s announcement of the new cabinet, the dust is finally getting settled, many are still reserving judgment especially on the new faces. My mother works for the Ministry of Health and when she heard the name Datuk Liow Tiong Lai, all she could say was she never heard of him. As for me, my concern has always been the Youth and Sports Minister and that position is handed to Datuk Ismail Sabri Yaacob. Well, at least he’s a dude. One thing that annoyed me about Azalina is that she tends to focus on the smaller niched sports, like powerboats, nursing them like forgotten orphans. While giving a rat’s ass about the bigger and more locally supported sports such as football and badminton. At least Hishamuddin brought X-Games to our shores. You have to give him credit for that. However, I too would like to reserve mu judgment on Ismail Sabri. A quick dig and I found out that he once dissed AF but soon enough his son Dafi was seen prancing around in season 5 of the show. And, just to add spice, he was also once those people who branded bloggers as irresponsible liars. So, unless you perform a miracle (such as Malaysia qualifying for the World Cup), I might consider giving you a break. For two weeks.

As for the rest, it’d be interesting how the Works and International Trade Ministries would do after the departure of Samy Vellu and Rafidah. Which is quite sad, really, because without Samy, who are we gonna make fun of now?

Now, the scene is set to see how everything pans out. With the opposition granted a stronger voice now, it’s time for them to show what they can do which they pointed BN has failed upon. As for BN, have a blog site. For each minister. And Facebook account. And have someone make a Wikipedia entry on all the cabinet members. That would be a start.

And don’t be surprised if Serting is promoted as a prime tourist destination in the near future. That’d be Azalina doing her work. Where is Serting, you may ask? Exactly.

How I Reached Musical Puberty at Sunburst

I never understood Woodstock. It is widely regarded as one of the most pivotal moments in the history of rock and roll. And yet, I didn’t get it. I understand the size of it. I mean, literally, spreading across an area 600 acres wide, but how on earth can someone listen to music for days non-stop? Surely, no one is THAT hardcore. But, then again, it was during the hippie era. So, chances are, most of them were probably too stoned to be aware of what is happening around them anyway.

That was my theory. Up until a few days ago, at least. Because, since then, I went to this little event at Bukit Kiara during the weekend called the Sunburst Music Festival and, suffice to say, it gave me a whole new perspective, and opened my eyes on what Woodstock might have actually been.

Of course, Sunburst was nothing compared to Woodstock which ran for 3 days. This only lasted for 12 hours (and yes, the word ‘only’ is entirely appropriate). And yet, looking at the number of performances, it was quite comparable. Woodstock had 32 artists while Sunburst had 28. But we had 4 stages compared to 1 at that time which explains the 3 days. And it helps, as times change. As opposed to having to sit, or stand for that matter, through a performance which you are not quite a fan of, you can walk to another stage offering a different genre of music, one which you would prefer. And that what exactly I was doing throughout Saturday evening. And it’s such a brilliant concept.

A music festival such as Sunburst takes the best element of a party and concert and mix them up together while leaving out the less favorable aspects. For the good 12 hours or so, you have live music pumping on full volume all around you which beats any high-end stereo system money can buy. You’re out on a field so no worries about ruining your neighbours’ bedtimes. No cramped up spaces because you can choose whether to go crazy into the moshpit, stand on the outer rims for simple enjoyment, or take a break and go get something to eat and chill at the designated tented areas where tables and seats were provided. If you bring along a mat with you, by all means have a picnic. Chill or party, back and forth, anytime you please.

Attending Sunburst has taught me that a music festival such as this is more than just the live music. It’s more of the get-together factor. It was reported that around 12000 people came and it sure looked like it. When that amount of people came together to one place in view of having a good time, it tends to rub-off against you no matter who you are. Saying that, the music wasn’t exactly that bad either. The cream of the show has to be Incubus. It was better than the last time they came around. This time they had a bigger stage, more crowd and they responded by giving a more energized performance. John Legend was equally good too. The girls (and maybe even some married women) were screaming hysterically throughout his show. And I think that lady from Brickfields who got to slow dance with him on stage might have some sleepless nights ahead. The Roots, George Clinton + P-Funk and Incognito made me feel like I was on MTV. And it was a good opportunity for the local bands too. I was particularly pleased to finally see those guys perform properly on stage. One Buck Short, Meet Uncle Hussein, Bittersweet, Hujan and even Pop Shuvit. And, might I add, Che’Nelle as really a surprise package. When she went on stage and asked if anyone has bought her album, I think most of the spectators, including myself, were quite embarrassed because only a handful raised their hands. Sure, her hit is the ever addictive I Fell In Love With The DJ, but when she belted out one of her ballads, which I never knew existed, it was a magnetically captivating performance. If I were to compare her, I’d say she only comes second to Christina Aguilera. She is that good. And not to mention she is quite the hottie. You just can’t go wrong with a fluffy short skirt and knee-high boots. She might as well been in the Lady Marmalade video (wait a minute…).

Overall, I truly enjoyed myself there. Even though it rained for a good hour so, but hey, same thing happened in ’69. Along with some of my mates, it was definitely an event that deserves to be on the calendar annually. People of Pineapple Concerts, I beg you. It can only get better in the future.

The drawbacks? Food and drinks were too expensive, of course as one might have expected. RM3 for a small bottle of mineral water. Hot Dogs and Burgers were RM8 and RM10 respectively even if they were made by Planet Hollywood. Thankfully KFC and Pizza Hut were also around to provide some sense. But so were Haagen-Dasz and Coffee Bean (which I guess did not do too well considering the evening weather). However, expensive as they were, people still have to eat and most of them ran out even before John Legend came out, which was about 10.30 PM, I think. Taking into account the event wrapped up around 2.30 AM, it was obvious they underestimated how much jumping and singing-along can use up a lot of energy.

By the end of it, despite being exhausted, sleepy, hungry and incredibly uncomfortable running around in wet shoes since 5 PM, I’m will use a phrase which is a cliché but there is simply no better way to say it - Sunburst was just fucking awesome! And the memory of seeing Megan shaking her booty was a nice sweet desert to top it all off. Despite there are 6000 more other hotties walking around. God bless music.

Uh-oh, It's Feb 14 Again

I got my first Happy Valentine’s Day wish at around 12.19am just now, somewhere around Seksyen 14, PJ, from non-other than Charlize herself. Shit, wait a minute. I gotta change this Charlize thing. I knew it wasn’t meant to last but it was the best I could think of at the time. Anyway, I watched Transformers again yesterday (what an awesome movie!) and Megan Fox was just, damn! She was practically sizzling! So, fuck it with Charlize. A new call sign – Megan.

On hindsight, I can no longer call her my personal SWA 07 but those abs, are just like, killer umph! Okay, I haven’t seen Megan’s abs (yet), but I’d like to think they’re not too far off from the real one’s. Those well-toned, sweaty after a good round of futsal…

Anyway, back to Seksyen 14, after wishing, okay, it wasn’t personally directed at me. There were like 3 other guys at the table and it was a general wish but she made an interesting point afterwards which I planned to include as well into this Valentine post of mine anyway. So, the thing is. I never thought I would actually live to see the day that a woman admittingly that, yes, valentine stuff (i.e. flowers and chocolates) tend to get ‘marked up’ during this period. Well, thank you, Ms Megan! But, that’s almost like a suicidal remark. It’s as if you’re saying, ‘yes, shit are expensive so you don’t have to buy me anything this Feb 14th,’ That’s like a guy saying football is just a game. We know it’s true but we don’t say it out loud. Because, shit, would you like to have other plans with the missus when MU take on Arsenal this weekend because it’s just a game? Hell no! That’s like bad karma.

But, back to the point, yes, these blood-sucking retailers are just taking advantage of this so-called ‘express your love’ day (I went up Cameron Highlands and roses are so easy t grow they’re like bushes).And because of that, Valentine’s is the most sexist excuse to celebrate a day, and I’m going to tell you why. Because in the middle of this overpricing hullabaloo, it is us guys who ended up picking up the check. What do the women do? Give a smile and nice fucking ‘thank you’ at the end of the evening. And we somehow got our minds warped around this obviously biased concept and thinking we actually got a good deal at the end of it all. A smile and a goodnight kiss? I’ll tell you what’s due by the end of the night – sex. Full, unadulterated, kinky sex, all… night… long... That is what is worth for the RM400 dinner, RM10 rose stalk and RM80 for that 12 pieces of Belgian dark chocolates. The bear came free with the chocolates.

But, in Malaysia, I doubt it is likely. Considering it’s in the middle of the week. ‘I got to go to bed early ‘coz I got a big meeting tomorrow morning’ bullshit. Oh, I almost forgot to mention about the fuel. Or the parking fee. Hotel parking can be very expensive. RM5 for the first hour.

However, I am targeting this to the unmarried couple where the case of guy trying to impress the girl scenario usually plays. Especially those teenagers at high school and college students. You are all such suckers. I know. I was one. For married couples, okay, keep the magic going, no harm done there. Chances are, you’ll be splitting the check. But for the rest of you, think very wisely men. Don’t let yourselves be played. If you really want to impress her, invite her over and make dinner youself. That always score high marks. But, of course, there’s the matter of you knowing how to cook first.

If your girl is one of those who makes a very big deal out of Valentine’s, don’t. It’s not worth it, kid. Do you now why Renee Zellweger broke up with Jim Carrey? You guessed it. Jim was apparently wasn’t fully committed to Valentine’s Day as she was and she was devastated by it. Please, those kinds of women aren’t just worth it. If she made that big a deal out of Valentine’s, imagine her birthday. A potential nightmare. Y’know, Kanye West and Jamie Foxx came up with a song about this. It’s called Gold Digger. Look it up.

I used to worship Valentine’s Day. It used to be the day when I could send gifts out of the blue without feeling awkward and gained absolute satisfaction from the recognition of the recipient. Looking back, I should have at least asked for a blow job. Valentine’s Day just doesn’t work here in Malaysia. Overseas, yeah, when the chances of getting laid tremendously increases. Unless, of course, it’s Hannah Tan. Then, a smile and a thank you are just about all you can ask for, and it’ll be enough.

Men, We’re the new women – Dylan McDermott

Local Movie Scene: Revisited

I saw Cuci about two weeks back. And it wasn’t that bad. That’s right, people, after a long hiatus, we return to the local movie scene discussion. Part 2.

The reason I was bothered enough to go to the cinema to watch local movies these days is to see Afdlin Shauki movies. It’s true. The last time I did something familiar was for Sumo-lah. And that was definitely worth my time. And that’s the thing. Afdlin Shauki movies nowadays are like Judd Apatow movies. You can expect a certain brand of humour which is refreshing and inventive, and certainly works. Not like the ones offered by Razak Mohaideen. Seriously, those people who say Jim Carrey is no longer funny apparently do not know Saiful Apek. Honestly, his jokes are getting cheaper by the movie and I really do wish he’d take a break from them because I just about have enough of him. 10 years sounds pretty good, don’t you think?

Anyway, back to Cuci. To know that it was the Afdlin gang who are fronting the movie, although it was Hans Isaac leading this time around, created an extra amount of excitement and intrigue to check out their latest work. Something Hollywood calls a movie buzz.

Demi Moore’s comeback in Chalie’s Angels: Full Throttle helped to promote the film. Demi Moore as a fourth Angel? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see that? And, sorry for saying this, but Heath Ledger’s death is going to do wonders for The Dark Knight. But this is only one type of buzz to create excitement for a movie yet to be released.

A prime example of taking the concept of movie buzz to a whole new level is Cloverfield. When they first release the trailer, it didn’t even have a title. Just a release date. Which initially became the call term for the movie – 1-18-08. Malaysian movies, on the other hand, make rubbish trailers!

Seriously, randomly picking 10 scenes out of that movie, mixing them up in a blender, intermittently listing the names of actors/actresses involved in it and then finally displaying the title at the end is not a trailer! That’s a fucking slideshow! Being moviemakers you might think they should probably know the importance of marketing a film and how a good trailer goes a long way in achieving that. Even Hong Kong love stories make better trailers than us these days.

A trailer is supposed to show the strength of a movie and an intriguing introduction to the storyline so that when someone had seen it, they go, ‘I’d like to see how that one turns out,’. And Cuci is no different. When I first saw the trailer, there were Hans, Afdlin, Awie and AC in yellow suits cleaning windows. Then there’s Erra. Then more of the guys in their yellow suits, and not in yellow suits and that’s pretty much it. No clue whatsoever on what the storyline is. How can you spread word of mouth if the people could not describe it? ‘Oh it’s a Hans Isaac film about window washers,’. And? And what? That’s like saying Lord of the Rings is a movie about this ring. Full stop. You think it would have been just as successful with that kind of promotion? Yes, I know Cuci is not doing that bad at the box-office but a good trailer would have made it a bigger sell-out.

Another aspect about local films that bothers me is the villains. Malaysian villains are bad. Not that cool kind of bad but downright bad. They are always the one with the terrible sense of fashion, cheesy one liners and complete lack of pride, faith and mercy. You can always tell who’s the bad guy the moment he/she steps onto the screen. Take Khir Rahman’s Wira for example. Who in their right minds wear a dark suit over a purple shirt? The hairstyle is trashy and the sunglasses just make him look even sillier. And he’s the all time kaki bodek. There is nothing to like about him.

Then we look at Hannibal Lecter. Sure he’s a psychopath who kills, cooks and serve his victims to his guests at his dinner parties. And yet, he listens to classical, reads a ton of books, well spoken and has a vocabulary someone can only dream of. Oh, and it’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter to you.

You see, as evil as they are, they are kind of cool. Terrifyingly cool in the matter of Dr. Lecter. And although you might not agree with the motives behind his evil deeds, you do sort of understand them. Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator was overlooked for the throne by his own father and he was his only son. Sure he was a whiny little boy but if it were you, wouldn’t you be a little bit pissed off by that? Villains, as much the heroes, needs layers of character to make them more believable and memorable. And there’s still a long way to go for us in that sense.

And our product placing is embarrassing to say the least. Somehow, the word ‘subtle’ has been swollen by the word ‘money’ nowadays. Tony Fernandes is one of the producers of Cuci and what he did was to put a whole fuckin’ plane in one of the scenes! It made the placing of a Ford Focus in Casino Royale look like peanuts. Why only put phones in movies when you can have the whole HQ building be the main focus of the characters? I know corporate sponsors are essential but seriously, at times, it was like watching a commercial. As if an actual footage from The Truman Show. C’mon people, follow Pixar’s motto: It is always about the story.

Before I end my rant for today, one final thing about the trailer issue. If you think you can make good trailers and create a viable business idea for the local movie scene, you could might as well be the next media mogul and a wealthy one at that.

And with that bombshell it’s time to say adios and well do this again some other time in the future. Cheers.

Thursday Night Futsal

Petrol: RM10

Field rental fee: RM9.20

To see ‘Charlize’ playing futsal in shorts: Priceless

Weekends can be bitchy. But never Thursday night futsal.

There’s futsal. And then, there’s futsal with the girls. Two very different things although masked as something quite similar. The former involves all your usual. Plenty of pace and excitement. The latter has those plus nicer legs and perfumes. Okay, maybe not much with pace but definitely much more exciting. And everything seems a lot more…bouncy.
But, jokes aside, there are some decent female futsal players out there. Even the hot ones. I saw one perform a sidefoot pass volley. And the pass reached its intended target. It was a split-second move but I was sold. It was quite a deft touch. And then there’s this other chica, who definitely loves futsal by insisting on doing juggling practice all by herself while she was off the field, has incredible positional sense. Yes, she practically hangs around the D but she does get half-decent chances and, by God, does she packs a shot. As for Charlize, well, her body orientation when striking a ball is slightly flawed but, honestly, who the fuck cares? All I wanted to do was to shout, ‘Run, (Charlize’s real name), run! Run like the wind!’

There is such a thing as a football God.

It's Time We Get Rolling

Immerse yourself. That is the only way one can write properly.

Good day, people. How are we doing today?

As I said before (though I can’t remember when), writing is as much artistic as taking a picture. You need some sense of tranquility to produce results. Not as much in the physical surroundings but within your inner-self. And that is something that has escaped me for the past month or so. My schedule has been brutal. And not in a way that it was filled with joyous and fun activities. Every fun and wonderful things that I have done during that period has always been on borrowed time. Time which I needed to pay for the nest day or so in torture. And you know how I can’t say ‘no’ to a brilliant plan. However, that is all in the past now. For now, at least.

Now, as I sit here, on the dawn of a Thursday, welcoming CNY, I have once again, found peace. And it’s about bloody time too, if you ask me. Then again, it’s not so surprising considering I spent the night before playing board games with Charlize Theron. And, obviously, I don’t mean the actual Ms Theron herself.

It is one of the things I meant to talk about since the beginning of the year. And I can’t begin ranting for the rest of 2008 without putting this out and clear first. So here it is. It seems virtually no harm is done when I do the occasional taunt at women in general. But the probability of getting myself screwed (and not in a good way) increases once I divulge into specifics i.e. using names. And not just the taunting and sarcasm. Sometimes even the honest intention of using over-flattering comments is seen as an invitation to trouble. You know how the world works. Jealousy and all. Even more troublesome when it borders on obsession.

Anyway, in view of this, I have decided to follow one of the cardinal rules of blogging – using nicknames. And chances are, you wouldn’t know who the nicknames I refer to apart from myself. Although I do have to mention that Pidot’s haircut looks so much like Javier Bardem’s character in No Country For Old Men that I have decided to call him ‘Javier’ since last night. He doesn’t know why I call him that but it always put a smile on my face every time I do it. Since Pidot is unlikely to be likened by Woody Harrelson to the bubonic plague and that irony makes it so much funnier.

Back to Charlize, you see, coming up with nicknames is quite tricky. Obviously, you can’t use nicknames that he or she is recognized with in real life. It has to be fresh, unheard of but at the same time relevant. Quite a mind boggle since I’m not Nate Wright.

Charlize Theron isn’t probably the best suited nickname I can come up with but it’s the one I got right now. Considering the actual her isn’t hardly South African or 6 ft something. I doubt she even reaches 5 ft. But she does has a certain persona about her and everyone loves her for it. Including me.

And so it became to be, I spent the good part of last night playing Taboo, but not just with Charlize. I mean, Javier was there too. So was Tobey Maguire and Ms Muffet (If these two ever find out the nicknames I pick out for them, it’s likely I’ll be on the receiving end of some degree of physical torture from them). And the rest of Charlize’s entourage. And she rolls quite deep. And quite a few more around but I’m getting tired of coming up with nicknames for now.

Anyway, here I am back writing. And hopefully so in the immediate future. Sadly to note, I didn’t make the deadline for the MPH KL Odyssey project. And it grieves me greatly. As I said, absence of tranquility. The idea of the story finally materialized but too little too late, I’m afraid. It was during one of those quick lunches I had to take when it suddenly hit me, ‘Oh, that’s a brilliant one,’. I managed to write a paragraph or two, in the end. It looks promising and tentatively entitled ‘The Holiday’. Though it would not have any resemblance to the Cameron Diaz + Jude Law flick. More towards Road Trip (though not as funny) and a little bit of Stand By Me (not as moving). But again, sadly, it was not done in time. Anyhow, I will continue to write it since time has given me a break now. And readily available piece should an opportunity such as this ever rises again.

On another thing, on a wholly different topic, I want to talk about New Year resolutions. Yes, I know it’s already February but then again, don’t think you think it’s about time to measure up how well you’ve done on that resolution of yours? Saved that RM200 you intend to every month? Lost any weight? Maybe even 1 kg perhaps? Less than a pack a day now?

What I don’t get about New Year resolutions are that people tend to have them as something they are unlikely or hate to do in the first place. And that is what I got so much beef about that I need to talk about it even it is slightly a month overdue to do it.

Things like quitting smoking, losing weight, spending less are basically self torture if you’re a chain smoker, loves those sundaes at Delicious and a confessed shopaholic. Why do you think we all love Bridget Jones so much? Because we can relate to her so much every time she breaks back into one of her old habits. It makes us laugh, true, but it also serves as a harrowing reminder. On that note, what I suggest is why don’t we make fun and exciting resolutions? To dress sexier to the office, for example. Or to go to New Zealand and do bungee jumping or, in my case, get fuckin’ published. Sure it might be difficult and not necessarily a defined path but aren’t all resolutions like that? One thing for sure, it’s definitely interesting to find out. And that creates plenty of motivation. The one thing you need to see it throughout. And it’d be nice to sit back one day and say, ‘it was so cold that day that I couldn’t piss in my pants even if I wanted to but I did bungee-jump in New Zealand,

And with that, I have rejoined the bandwagon of having a New Year resolution. Getting published is probably my secondary resolution. My primary one is to venture out. And I intend to do that by organizing a trip with my mates within the South East Asia region. Oh yeah! Exotic booties here we come!


I know it’s not that grandeur since some people I know have made trips to Australia and Europe like their annual balik kampung trip. Come to think of it, they are! Since some actually do have homes there. Talk about being fed with a silver spoon. But it has to be noted that some of us are a little less fortunate. Some of us are not that spoilt (matilamak). So, if all goes well, a trip to Thailand, or Indonesia maybe, sometime mid-year and hopefully, a continuation and real-life inspirations for The Holiday.

2008 has been an absolute bitch so far for me. I didn’t have time to celebrate my own birthday, for crying out loud, let alone organize a party (and getting presents for all my troubles for that matter). Hopefully things will slightly change beginning this Saturday.

Cheers for a memorable 2008. And to ‘Charlize’, my personal Sexiest Woman Alive 2007.

Cloverfield - Stay 'Til The End

I hate to do this as my first post of the year but hear me this, as it's a time constraint reminder.

If you happen to watch Colverfield, STAY THROUGHOUT THE END CREDITS! I didn't and I've been cursing myself since. When the credits rolled out and the exit doors were still shut and the lights undimmed, I knew something was going on. But people exited anyway and the ushers had no choice but to turn on the lights so they won't fall down the steps. And I followed suit! Like a fuckin' zombie! Fuck!

Anyway, about the movie itself. You'd either love it or hate it. For me, I hated it for the first few hours after seeing it. But then, the more I think about it, the more I realize its brilliance. So much that I'd pay to see it again. It's beginning to feel like a drug to me.

Whatever it is, go see it. It's the first significant movie of 2008. Heed if you're a geek!

I Am Writer

And with this, I have saved myself from having the unsavory record of least amount of posts in a year since 2004 (the debut year). This is number 30. And it seems that’s how far that’ll go this year since 2006 of 59 posts and 2005 of 74 posts are definitely out of reach.

Nevertheless, on this occasion let us welcome the final month of 2007 graciously. For another year has come full circle. For many of you, I’m sure, much was to be cherished for the past 12 months. But for me, it has been quite a difficult year. It was the year I got fired. The year that marked the Secret Recipe incident. On the receiving end of multiple threats and almost got myself beaten up by a man twice my size. The woman I have been secretly admiring for years has decided to share her love with another man. Chelsea lost the title to Man Utd and my phone is beginning to shed its skin. For what it’s worth, it has truly been a depressing and weird year for me.

However rather than moping around on why things has gone awkwardly wrong and prancing on stage in your underwear like Britney Spears as a stress release activity, I am determined to make the most of what is left of 2007. I want to end the year in a bang. The question of whether I may or may not succeed is immaterial as I’ll sure as hell give it a try.

Luckily such opportunity did arrive to me in The Star newspaper a few weeks ago. In the Reads Monthly section, MPH, the popular bookstore, has made an open invitation to all local writers out there to submit their short stories to them to be compiled in one of two anthologies to be published by them. One of it will be titled Chinese Stories, a theme about Chinese life in Malaysia, Singapore and elsewhere, which I guess falls a bit off my knowledge. But the second anthology, tentatively entitled KL Stories: Urban Odysseys, “will focus on life in the city, specifically in Kuala Lumpur, with works that show images of the new juxtaposed against the old, urban living with contrasting bright lights and shadowy realities and other short fiction or creative non-fiction that best encapsulate the spirit of the national capital.” And that one, has got me buzzing.

For weeks now I have been cramming myself with ideas about what to write for my so-called novel and so far nothing has materialized. I couldn’t even come up with a rough idea. And it’s beginning to get very annoying. But this MPH invitation has come at the most perfect time. All I need to do now is to write a story about 3000 to 5000 words in length and an express route to get published. Published, I say! It’s like asking a Sunday league player would he like to play in the Champions League. Well, fucking yes! It’ll be like American Idol but without the SMSs and Paula Abdul. I have never been so giddy about anything since a very long time. And now with a specified scope I could focus better in terms of researching for ideas. And in order to do this right, since the deadline is the end of January, I decided to look up at some similar works already available out there. Namely the Silverfish books.

Silverfish is an independent bookshop that focuses on such themes. “Malaysiana” as they call it. Their store is in Bangsar but you can get their books from Times bookstores as well. At Suria KLCC, for instance, opposite Tower Records.

Currently, they have a popular series in circulation called New Writing which has so far churned out 6 versions. These too are anthologies from new writers (hence the name, although some have already publication credits to their names (greedy bastards)) from Malaysia, Singapore and beyond. I’m guessing this is what MPH is trying to come up as well. So, where better else to look for inspiration other than this New Writing series? Fortunately, I have a friend who is a Silverfish fan so that saved me from spending on a whole new book just for reference purposes. So I went to see Cipoi the other day and he has New Writing 2 which has got me excited at the mere sight of it but he warned me that he has found it to be disappointing but more on that later. And sadly, that was the only Silverfish book he had at the time. He couldn’t locate the rest. Misplaced somewhere. To make it up, he lent me two Karim Raslan books. ‘Who’s Karim Raslan?’ I asked the moment Cerita-lah was dropped into my hands. And I got a look as if I just asked who is the Queen of England. Apparently this Karim guy is suppose to be very good. I haven’t started on any of his books yet but after a quick scan, I caught glimpses of his brilliant writing. But that review will have to wait for the time being. I do have, however, started on New Writing 2 and I’m afraid to say that Cipoi is right after all. Technically, it was well written. The words, the plot construction, character development, mood but, for fuck’s sake, why so depressing? I have read maybe 10 stories so far and probably 7 out of them involve death. A character just had to die. Most of the time the leading one. Why? Why the morbid theme? And when they say ‘stories from Malaysia, Singapore and beyond’, I naturally expected to read stories mostly from Malaysia, quite a few from Singapore and maybe one or two from ‘beyond’ or wherever the hell that is after starting reading this. Instead it is the other way around. A few bits and pieces from Malaysia. A few more from Singapore and mostly from Australians, Americans and English living here or hereabouts. Either that or from Malaysian born but currently living abroad. One story is about a high school boy who played a memorable basketball game one night and later went out on a date in his dad’s Thunderbird. Unless it’s a Nissan it definitely has no Malaysian flavor at all. It’s not even Asian! Disappointing will be the least of my worries. Heartbreaking is more like it. But, still, I have quite a way to go and hopefully they save some of the best for last. Maybe Karim Raslan’s work will cheer me up later but therein also lie the problem. His writing will consist of one theme one style. That’s why I was so looking forward to New Writing for the different styles and views it offers in its pages. And the disappointing outcome was the last thing I expected. However in hindsight, it does give me the impression that local writers (phbtt! local!) tend to focus on sad and depressing issues because, I’m guessing, it allows them to be more poetic and dramatic. And isn’t that ironically sad? And with that they are neglecting the more jovial and light-hearted writing which I now intend even more to portray in my submission. Isn’t it better to spread joy and happiness rather than death and suffering? What a weird lot these writers are.

Anyway, right now, this is what we have - ‘KL Stories’ preferably with a touch of humour. So far, that’s how much I’ve got. As much as I’d like to be as selfish as I can, I will not refuse voluntary assistance. You can never set boundaries on creativity. So, if you’d like to help me become famous and receive no monetary incentives whatsoever, lend in a few ideas of stories you would like to read about. And I’ll do what I can to tailor it the best way possible that I know. But, please, no mat rempit stories. And no drug addicts for that either. Such a common theme, everyone else will go for it, I’m sure of it. Unless, it’s a story about a successful yet ganja-smoking friend who happen to have a kinky taste in women. That could have some potential.

Anyway, it looks like it’s going to be a rough ride in the next coming months. Taking into consideration my MBAs is beginning to take strides with the projects and the mid-terms looming. And also, very importantly, the matter of a certain Ilyana. This is what you do when you have your heart broken. You move on and find something new to be obsessed with. Believe me, the transition can be quite exhilarating. It’s the in between that tends to get fucked up sometimes. But we’re not going to talk about Ilyana here. Someone like her deserves a post of her own.

This is me, a blogger aspiring to be a published writer. And with that, chee-yers!

A Sense Of Humour

I have a new theory. If you are fat and lazy like me, with no sign of doing anything that even resembles physical activity as of late, and then forced to run for 2.4 km out of the blue (up and down a hill if I might add), here me this. It will take you approximately 4 to 5 days for your calves to stop hurting and allow you to start walking normally again. Believe me, this theory is supported by an unwillingly done experiment recently. We spared no expense (just to quote Sir Richard Attenborough).

The question is, why in the world was I being made to run 2.4 km up and down a hill a few days ago? Or why was I dressed in a shirt and tie on a Sunday morning? Preaching about fog lights to an audience of about 20 people, which I guess mostly have no idea what fog lights are in the first place? Knowing very well indeed that I was up until 4 am the previous night celebrating Italy’s qualification to Euro 08 (unlike England! HAHAHAHAHA!!) alongside a girl named Ilyana, who happens to have very nice calves by the way, and as such to have a public speaking session the very next morning was probably not in my best interest. Then again, at the same time, it’s a session that I could not afford not to do well. But, in the end, it was all irrelevant really because when it comes to public speaking, I am a god. I was a god back then during orientation week at UTP and I am still am a god today, even better, judging by my performance last Sunday. It was the running part that I’m worried about. I think it is one of those karma things. The balance of nature, as they say. I’m particularly gifted in standing in front of an audience and captivating them even when the topic at hand is largely nonsensical but I turn absolutely horrid when it comes to physical endurance. But looking on the bright side is that I can do something about it. Kind of like that car bumper sticker. ‘I’m fat and you’re ugly but at least I can diet!’ Yes, ‘diet’. To me that’s a four letter word. I’m much more comfortable with the ‘f’ word. ‘Food’.

But of course, we are not going to talk about dieting or on how to stay healthy. Hell no. You have channel 733 for that. I have no intention of becoming the next Richard Simmons. Nor are we going to talk about what the hell I was referring to about all that running and public speaking I had to do. That, as in the words of Mr. Black, ‘will be divulged in good time’. Truthfully, what went on and its significance of it, is part of an ongoing process. Upon a successful completion, all matter will be revealed. If the outcome, however, turn unsuccessful, well then, I’m afraid you have to ask me in person the next time you see me, to get clarification, if you’re still interested at the point, you busybodies.

What we are going to talk about today is women. Ah yes, the primary purpose this blog ever made to live in the first place. For the sake of variety, I have written on diverse topics ranging from music, movies and even politics in the past. But nothing gives me more pleasure than talking about women. Not even football. Because women are such mysterious creatures to us men. Which leads to many sorts of questions and assumptions that may never see the end of it. And I hope we don’t ever. The mystery of it all has what kept it interesting all this while. I hope we continue to be baffled by a woman’s antics and their impalpable explanations. Because should we ever understood women and cracked one of the wonders of the universe, what happens next? What fun left to pursued and pondered? Nothing. And that is a very unnerving thought. But that is highly unlikely to happen anyway because you know why? Women themselves don’t know they are a mystery. As we, I reckon, as much of a mystery to them. Thus the search will continue in an infinite loop.

It is with this theme of opposing sides of man and woman that I want to approach the topic of sense of humor.

Now, we all know there is a wide range when we talk about humor. Every person out there belongs to a group of funny people or not so funny people, subjectively. And we tend to talk less to the unfunny people, again, subjectively. Especially the unfunny people who think they are funny. Faking a laugh can be so demeaning.

Then we integrate the question of gender. Take me for example. I’m a bloke who enjoys a certain type of humor. Then I meet another bloke who enjoys another type of humor. A type that thinks the resemblance of my name to the AF4 winner is something he finds amusing. To me such a comment just bordering on plain insulting. Chances are I would never speak to him again, ever. Surely I do not need another AF fan in my life, thank you very much. I would move on, end of story, and the thought would never bother me again. That, however, will all change should the subject turns out to be an incredibly attractive woman. An incredibly attractive woman who you want to know better of. Now, the tables are turned.

To be fair, men and women never quite enjoy the same kind of humor to start off with. But when multiple surveys that been done identified a sense of humor as one of the leading traits women look for in a man, then, gentlemen, I think it’s time we learn to adapt. But it’s going to be quite tricky.

Basic rules are, men love dirty jokes and women don’t. Well, maybe except during pajama parties. Even then, they still talk about fashion and shopping. Humor stems from the conversations we have. How else do you think we can come up with so much sex jokes?

To encroach the realms of the women psyche when it comes to funny things, you have to adjust and in most cases lower down your expectations for amusement. In other words, you have to be less funny if you want to talk to them and be annoyingly charming. And laugh at lesser jokes. This is the price you have to pay in order to gain the prize at stake. Which is, to score! Haha! But seriously, that is one way to look at it. But in general, if you want to talk to women by being friendly and funny, you can’t share the same jokes you have with your mates. Do that and they’ll automatically brandish you as rude. And we all know how women tend to forgive but never forget.

This revelation first occurred to me when I entered university. Something I wished I had experienced earlier on so I can come across this adaptability theory much sooner. But you know how it was. All male boarding school sort of thing. Which is good in a lot of sense, just not when it comes to the art of approaching women. But anyway, I began to grasp the concept much more vividly as time went on at the university. Which also pretty much explain my loath towards AF jokes, but that’s a different story. Women just seem to define humor in a different way than men do. And some of the jokes I’ve heard during one of those group conversations where women dictate play were, well, boring. And distasteful. Which I later realized why some of the guys I’ve met insisted on continuously being unfunny. They have been unconsciously brainwashed by the women they had intentionally intended to pursue. And some of them never recover. Poor people. They have become a mockery and don’t even realize it.

But not all women are like that. Some do share the same sense of humor like us men. I know I have my share bit. And if you do find someone like that and you fancy her, better make those intentions clear early on. If you decide to become friends be aware that that is a one way road. You could bring up the idea of romance later on but that is just unwise. Because ,one, you are boring, and two, you have to make it work. Because if you don’t, it’s not you, but your mutual friends will suffer. Just look at Ross and Rachel. When they broke up, who do you think had the worst bit? It was Joey, Chandler, Monica and Phoebe. While those two were bad mouthing each other, the rest had to be nice to both of them no matter what or how awkward. That is why falling in love with your friends is generally a bad idea. Which is why I was quite relieved when Kabi and Regina eventually tied the knot.

Anyway, coming back to the topic of humor, point is if you expect to find Mrs Right who would agree with you that Jackass is one of the top 10 movies of all time, be prepared to be disappointed. And even you already have this different mindset, adjusting your level of humor is easier said than done. I tried this too, a few weeks back, during Menon’s little BBQ party at his house. He had a few chicks coming in and they were quite the eye candies. Bubbly personalities, smell absolutely wonderful, flowing hair, simply a treat. I was typically excited. Then I was invited for a game of Taboo with them and I thought, well, this is a wonderful opportunity to get to know them better. And so I sat with them and started playing the game, which slowly turn into a bout of torture.

The things that find to be funny were just so unfunny to me. I couldn’t exactly recall what they were but I can remember being pretentiously amused by their banter. I was caught off-guard and stuck right in the middle of it. Fortunately the arrival of my SASOB mates gave me enough reason to flee the scene. And just in time too because Waris had joined in and there is no way I was going to drop to his level. I rather spent time with the boys than with a group of lovely girls. How wrong could that ever sound? The problem was not the girls because, honestly, I have heard worse sense of humor, but the act of lowering my amusement level was just too much to bear. Comedy is pretty much my life. To tone it down is like asking Messi to dribble less. It’s unheard of. And that experience has left me scarred and worried because I thought, was this the situation? I nearly wrote about that but thankfully didn’t at that time because something told me there was more to this. And rightfully so.

Last week I was invited to Hani’s surprise birthday party for Watai and it was such a blessing. For reasons, one, I now know that Kme has the capabilities to make a decent Tiramisu and two, there are still interesting women out there who do share our sense of humor. Maybe less perfume and not so flowing hair but still, a joy to get acquainted nonetheless. And to have met such an astonishing creature such as Ilyana who shares the same passion as me for the Italian football team was certainly an added bonus. I just hope Hani doesn’t get a hold of this. She might get the right ideas.

To sum it all up, it’s basically this. Men are just funnier than women.

The Sound of Empire

I went to Tower Records the other day just to check out what’s new on the shelf. There’s Spears’ Blackout, Lopez’s Brave but none really interests me to actually to pay money for any of those. Until, my eye caught on an Empire Records Soundtrack CD. Now, for those of you who haven’t heard of Empire Records, shame on you because it is one of best movies you could watch growing up as a teenager. It is Liv Tyler’s breakout movie and it has an awesome soundtrack. I bought one, years ago and it was, is, in cassette form. I still have it. Problem is, how to play it considering the digital age nowadays? So when I saw the CD version in front of my eyes that day, I just knew I had to have it. Who knows when will be the next time I find another one.

So, I placed the CD on the counter to be paid while delighting myself with the thought of reliving my teenage years when interjectedly,

“Dah last one ni,” the cashier dude behind the counter suddenly voiced his opinion to me.
“Hmm?” Say what, dude?
“Tak tau dah mane nak dapat lepas ni,” his eyes pointing at the CD
“Oh,”
A Tower dude acknowledges my purchase. Obviously, he knows about Empire Records. And his reaction just made me feel so cool. I rule!!

My Sister In Law

I think it’s time I deliver on my promise and due to some insistence from my advent readers (you know who you are), here’s my sister-in-law – in pictures:

This was right after the akad nikah.

As they made their way to the wedding hall.

This is her at work. Well, this was actually at Stockholm during one of her business trips. As if there is such a thing. She's the one sitting right in the middle.

And this, apparently, what flight attendants do on long-haul flights.

Well, Definitely Not This

By some freak of nature I somehow caught some of the highlights of today’s UMNO General Assembly earlier and there was this woman, a Wanita UMNO delegate who goes by the name of Zaleha Hussin vented her displeasure on Air Asia because the skirts of their stewardesses, in her opinion, is too short. Now, I don’t want to sound harsh but those comments are just plain stupid. Oh yes, there’s no two way about it. It was just stupid. You have the Prime Minister and his ministers in the hall with you, listening, plus extensive media coverage and all you can think about to say at an important assembly such as this is the uniform policy of a company? Are you missing a brain?

There it was a huge opportunity to address crucial issues to the people that matter (i.e. our leaders) and she decided to talk about skirts? How was this supposed to serve the betterment of UMNO? How does the length of an Air Asia stewardess’ skirt has any bearing on my life as a Malay? Okay, to be fair, let’s just say she gets her wishes and all the female flight attendants of Air Asia are required to wear long skirts. What then? Does achieving that lowers the crime rate? Does it help in curbing inflation? Does it enable more children to go to school? No, no and no. As like other private companies, Air Asia sells a product. And it’s not compulsory for you to buy it. So, if you don’t like the packaging, then here’s a tip, don’t buy it! Seriously, ride a bus, drive, something. It’s not as if Air Asia is being funded by UMNO anyway.

Can you see now the reason why young people couldn’t be bothered by politics nowadays? It’s because it baffles us why such ridiculous figures are given the chance to speak at such a momentous event when clearly the person lacks the competence. It’s an embarrassment, for crying out loud! And people like these won’t stop at that. After this I’m pretty damn sure she’ll find other petty and totally irrelevant issue pertaining to her job to complain about. Please, we are far more intelligent than this. And we deserve to hear better. This is the voice of the youth. Power to the people!

What's The Story?

Much time has passed, and yet I have absolutely no idea what my first book will be about. And the sad thing is, the only viable topic I’m pretty sure I’m good at is love. I don’t know much about courtroom dramas like John Grisham. I don’t have the advanced technical know-how of modern day science to be like Michael Crichton. And I don’t have extensive travelling knowledge to have my leading characters running through Europe to elude from a bunch of hired assassins like Sidney Sheldon. And not to mention heroines. Definite no no. It’s A GUY Thing, remember people?

On the other hand, have you visited the local bookshops these days? They actually have TWO sections for romance novels. One is Romance and the other is Chic Lit. They are both basically the same thing just the covers carry a different theme. The former is slight pornography and the latter decorated with a touch of humour. Women humour, that is. You know, things like ‘how my boyfriend dumped me and now I’m making apple pies’ those kinds of things. Or something along the lines to suggest utter hopelessness, a slightly pathetic life but sprinkled with a dash of wit to go along with it. And that what normally goes around my head as I went about exploring for ideas. Time and again a thought will occur and I’ll automatically go, ‘Oh, that would make one hell of a love story’ and then I’ll immediately go, ‘Damn it!’ because I know such thought are potentially fruitless. Every angle of a love story has been told one way or another. Or almost. Why do you think Titanic was a huge success? It offered a new setting for a love story. Against the backdrop of a sinking ship. A famous at that too, and it helps. And the hero dies in the end. Remember when I talked about tragic endings? See my point now? People haven’t seen anything like that before. And it showed through the box office. Then they made Pearl Harbour and it fell apart. Didn’t somebody tell these people the formula doesn’t necessarily work twice?

So, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you that I have nothing! Absolutely nothing for my novel! If only I could emulate Jerry Seinfeld. He made 60 million dollars last year for his show about nothing. And the show has ended since 1998. (Yes, I too watch E!). Well, isn’t that nice? 60 million dollars for nothing.

Initial stages and already I’m facing a huge bump.